Nailed!

Was at work today, doing my thing out the back, listening to the radio and that as I finished up the days work, almost clocking off time - wonderful.

Then someone comes up to me and sticks his thumb out which has half a nail hanging off and he says to me "Can you just pull that off for me before it catches on something?"

WHAT THE FUCK? NO!!!

I start to worry while I am umming and erring about it - what will he do? Slowly put his thumb in my mouth De Niro in Cape Fear style?

Luckily I think on my feet and ask why he can't do it. There isn't really a satisfactory response to that so I just come out with some absolute bollocks and say I can't do it because I'm squeamish about things like that (not because I don't want to touch your rank fucking nail you fucking psycho) and hightail it before my breakfast and dinner come back up to say hi.

I ask again - WHAT THE FUCK?

Thom's Tangents II

Yes already. Not as long this time, just heard a few bits today I wanted to comment/pass judgment on. Think of it like the old saying "you wait ages for a bus then two turn up at once". How anyone could be waiting for two buses at once is beyond me though. How the fuck would you know which one to get on?

A Norwich man was sentenced yesterday on charges of being drunk in charge of a vehicle. The court was told that the man took his three children to the cinema and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of vodka and leave the screen with his kids still in there. The children later refused to get into the car with him. You see this is exactly what happens when you go and see any of the Twilight films.

Australian band Men At Work have lost a plagiarism case against the Girl Guides over the song 'Land Down Under' which is said to be similar to a song written by a Guide in the 30s catchily entitled 'Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree'. They sound nothing alike. Sadly Men At Work have been forced to pull all forthcoming live shows as 'Land Down Under' is their only song.

Lot of controversy about John Terry. People worrying about negative effects on England's World Cup chances. I think the fact that England are shit should be the more pressing factor though as it goes to that.

Thom's Tangents I

Hey everyone, been a while since my last post on here - not much inspiring me to post at the moment. Do have a few things I want to talk about though so shall put all these thoughts together here and now. I may drift off-topic but that's why it's called 'Thom's Tangent'.

Wish I were doing this in a better mood, however. Was OK most of the day I get back to work to nothing I was expecting in the post, does disappoint slightly. The postal service in this country is dreadful. Something posted out Monday morning still not here by Thursday? Absolute joke.

But I digress (from that)...I see the latest thing on Facebook at the moment is 'Doppelganger week' where people change their profile picture to 'a celebrity they have been told they look like'. Most people on my Facebook have not let the fact they look like no-one famous at all stop them though. Most of the celebrities they have up I am clueless about. Never mind.

Talking of clueless about celebrities the guy (who isn't one) who won Celebrity Big Brother - Alex Reid is it? Anyway he has married Jordan. Can anyone remember a point Jordan was attractive? I know her career stems from getting her tits out for magazines (and not much else) but she just looks like a bloke now. An orange bloke. A bit like the Tango Man but on anabolic steroids.

I am desperately trying to avoid the Haiti charity single 'Everybody Hurts' cobbled together by Simon Cowell. Obviously the cause is worthwhile but the choice of song is pretty inappropriate. 'Everybody Hurts' not only is commonly associated with suicide not being killed/been injured/made homeless by a natural disaster but also lyrically a bit off...

"You have been affected by this disaster yeah. But everybody hurts sometimes. You're not special or anything."

Rumour that another possible song Simon Cowell was considering was the Eagles 'Get Over It' cannot be confirmed at this time.

As regular readers may know I work at Sainsbury's. Not something to brag about I know, and trust me when I tell you I am making a pro-active push to get out of there this year (CV written up, will be handed out soon...) but it does just burst with comedy gold sometimes.

The combination of stupid people (the customers) and...well...some more stupid people (Some of the staff) things just get a bit stupid.

Take last Sunday for example. Apparently either during the night Saturday or early Sunday a member of staff decided to take a dump in the urinals. A dump so brutal I hear that every cleaner in the place refused to remove it and had to call their area manager...on a Sunday (people do still go to church imagine having to make that excuse) to come in a clean it up. Good stuff. 

It did remind me though of a time I accidentally used a sink as a urinal. It sounds bad but hear me out. I was headed to a pub (note TO, not FROM) with a friend when I needed to go. So there's this park where I used to live which luckily had a public toilet.

So in I went and started to go in this big metallic thing right in front of me with a long drain like thing running across. Bit higher up than you find most urinals but I didn't think anything of it. I did start to think anything of it when I noticed an icon of two hands almost touching on the 'urinal' and three vertical lines above them (obviously indicating water). 

That was the point I realized I was urinating in a sink. I started to panic a bit, turned round and saw the camera. I somehow managed to stop the...flow and bolt out of the toilet. In hindsight I probably should have waited for the pub. They have toilets you can use.

Not saying the dump in the urinal at work was accidental. More than likely a prank. Doesn't make it any less stupid though!

I was about to wrap things up here but I just came across this story from Coventry. 

I liked the line "I was certain the proof of age laws do not apply to quiche".

"I've just finished a law degree at Oxford University and I am pretty sure proof of age laws don't apply to quiche. I know I missed a few lectures at the start of the course which may have dealt with the law and quiche but I was there for the flan module..."

Anyway I shall leave you with the only advice I can - if you are going out to buy a quiche, take some proof of age. Also don't quiche and drive.