Film Review: Piranha 3DD

I rather enjoyed the loose remake of Piranha that was released a few years ago. Yeah, there was probably a bit too much 'character stuff', but the climatic feeding frenzy was off the charts gory. The makeup effects were superb and in my opinion, it raised the film a bit higher than the usual gory fare.

So I was quite looking forward to a sequel, especially with it's ridiculous title, a play on the format it could be seen in the cinema and bra sizes, the fact it was directed by John Gulager who had made the Feast movies (well worth checking out, by the way) and the veteran cast announced in the returning Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager and David Hasselhoff (playing himself!)

The best thing in the film. Bit worrying.

Piranha 3DD seemed to have a bit of trouble getting to cinemas. The first I heard it was being released in November 2011, then it was postponed, only to be announced as a direct to DVD title. But then, all of a sudden, trailers began showing and a release date was announced. But, in an age where horror sequels promise more of everything, ultimately Piranha 3DD was a bit of a letdown.

After the events of the first film, the ravenous piranhas are back and are attacking a newly opened 'adult' waterpark. The adult section of that is just the excuse for women to walk round naked. So far, so the first film, right?

We have the teen drama the makers feel the need to shoehorn in, but this time not much time is given to developing their characters. Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock plays one of them, and after her likable turn in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, you can't help but think she's been wasted in this.

The films true highlights occur when the aforementioned veteran cast appear. Gary Busey and Clu Gulager are amusing in the Richard Dreyfuss role from the first film, Christopher Lloyd is an absolute hoot as the mad scientist who seems a bit more concerned about how many hits his YouTube videos are getting, and David Hasselhoff pretty much steals the entire movie in a brilliantly self deprecating version of himself. Although there's probably too much Hoff if you stick around for all the end credits.

As for the real meat of the film, the climatic piranha attack? Well you just don't see enough gore. Plenty of people running around screaming, and more of the Hoff acting the idiot, but compared to the savage mauling in the first film, it's a bit of a damp squib.

Mention should be made however of a particularly wince-inducing piranha attack during a sex scene, a sole moment of truly outlandish grue in a film that just does not live up to the original. What a shame.

**
If more time was given to the veteran cast members and a piranha attack to at least equal the first film, as opposed to forgettable teen characters, this would have been a worthy film. When it's good, it is entertaining, but sadly that's not often enough.

Film Review: Starcrash

In 1977, Star Wars was unleashed on the world, and cinema as we know it changed forever. Even though George Lucas, seemingly pissed off that he made a good film which people loved, has been trying to ruin it ever since, at the time, the 'blockbuster' movie was truly born, knocking the auteur's like Francis For Coppolla, Martin Scorcese and Peter Bogdanovich into a cocked hat.

After 1977, if you had a film, or an idea for a film that included the word 'Star' in the titles, or was very clearly set in outer space, you could guarantee it would get made. 1979's Star Trek: The Motion Picture, based on the popular TV show, was made as a knock on effect of Star War's success, and seemingly was brought out in such a rush they barely bothered with a  plot, thinking glory shots of how cool the Enterprise ship and outer space looked was enough to keep an audiences entertained. However, it made a ton of money, but was deathly dull, so it kind of worked.

But the worst of all the films that followed has to be Starcrash. Everything about the film screams shoddy knock off. In fact the opening shot of the Death Star in A New Hope, is flat out copied at the start of Starcrash, except the ship is clearly made of Lego, or similar plastic blocks.

Instead of R2-D2 and C3PO, we have Elle, a robot who seems to have the voice of Sheriff Buford T. Justice from Smokey And The Bandit, and Princess Leia's iconic 'bun' hairdo? Well, that ends up on Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) who is not the movies love interest, but the villain!

The plot, for what it's worth, concerns a mission to save the son of an Emperor (Christopher Plummer) by a pair of smugglers, Akton (Marjoe Gortner) and Stella Star (Caroline Munro), who after the rescuing the son, Simon (David Hasselhoff. Yeah, really) must stop the evil Count's plans to use a mysterious weapon. Or something.

Everything about Starcrash is pretty terrible. It's like Plan 9 From Outer Space...in outer space. For a film you can sit and watch with friends it's a total laugh riot, but as a film it's a mess. And quite how actors like Christopher Plummer and Joe Spinell (Willy Cicci in the first two Godfather films, and Tony Gazzo in Rocky) ended up in this mess is beyond me. It can't have been the money, because there doesn't look like there was any spent!

To make matters all the more embarrassing, pretty much all the main cast are dubbed, and the sets look like toys. And really cheap toys at that. The space battles are headache inducing, and the special effects include such highlights as footage of clouds being used so poorly they blur into other objects in the same shot (shockingly, mountains are not transparent.)

If you're looking for one of 'those' films, where you can sit back with friends, crack open a few beers and tear it to pieces, Starcrash is for you. If you're looking for a worthy (or even average) sci-fi film in the tradition of Star Wars, you couldn't be looking in any worse a place. Any film where you wait 50 minutes for David Hasselhoff to show up in the hope it will get good, is never going to be.

*
An utterly dire attempt to make a bit of money by surfing on the wave of Star Wars. Only redeemable for being one of those 'so bad it's good' movies. But it is still better than Phantom Menace.