Half Ton Stunned

For the last couple of weeks now I have been staying with my Mum in Thetford.

As I don't have TV at home in Norwich (over 1000 DVDs in the flat - is there any need?) I really don't see that much on it.

Since being here I have got slightly addicted to the documentaries of the grotesque and obscene.

The first of these was Half Ton Dad. I had already seen Half Ton Son with my friend Stacey last year and we wowed as he was towed out of his house, shat himself and how his arse turned chair shaped when he sat down.

Bu that was (dare I say it) small fries compared to Half Ton Dad. Who weighed it at 73 stone or 1032 pounds.

By far the best bit of the documentary was when they had to cut the large fatty deposits off that had grown on his thighs. These required cleaning beforehand, and the cleaners discovered wounds on these deposits. And shit had got into the wounds and dried. That's bound to be worse than salt.

I may start saying that: "There's no need to rub dried shit in the wound!"

But HTD did lose a lot of weight - in fact he lost 12 stone in 2 weeks! Bear in mind that's what I weigh. He lost a Thom.

But nothing could prepare me for this evening. I saw the title of the show - Embarrassing Bodies, but its a Sunday evening at 7pm on Channel 4 what would it be about? A big nose maybe, a bit of stomach podge, stubby fingers...

Well no.

First up was a woman with a massive vagina. Bit racy to say 'vagina' at 7pm on a weekend evening. Well all bets were off when they showed you a closeup of the wizards sleeve in question. The fact you could back in a petrol tanker, with 2 Ka's either side and have all 3 vehicles open their doors as wide as possible was almost trivial!

Isn't Songs Of Praise on the other side?? What if someone aiming for 1 hit the button below? Expecting the Antiques Roadshow and get a good old look at what could only be described as a clowns pocket!

Next up was a woman with one boob bigger than the other. She got them out almost instantly. I know the shows excuse is that its medical, its educational, who would find this sort of thing attractive...but some people like amputee porn. Just putting that out there.

So the woman with a slightly bigger (or smaller, I'd say the former I'm a cup half full kind of guy and that pun was meant with extreme prejudice) nork. Cue the graphic surgery as they stuff in the implant then cut off her nipple and move it up a bit!

Then came a gentleman who had to piss 20 or 30 times a day. He had a hand shoved up his arse and had his prostate massaged. Guys - if anyone ever offers to massage your prostate...fucking run.

I guess the shows writers felt there had been a lot of female nudity so there was literally a penis montage. One guys was so small he could neither have sex or masturbate. I don't know what happened to him, but I probably would have suggested suicide. Or switching sides.

We also had one of the shows presenters having a wank to see how is sperm was. I had pretty much tuned out in shock by this point.

I turned off before the end, but not before we saw the woman with the massive vagina again - I think they had just seen Madeline McCann in there, but she disappeared beneath a giant beef curtain.

I'm going to be staying in Thetford for another couple of weeks and I think in a sick way I'm going to miss these trashy documentaries (others included Tourettes and I Want Fake Boobs and Dirty Pervs online pay for them if I get my tits out in photos) when I go back to Norwich!

Till next time (and with the rate of these shows that will be very soon).

Dad

On Tuesday March 9th 2010 my father John sadly passed away.

I had been thinking of the ways possible to cover this on here as Dad was a reader of my blog (I remember his reaction when my brother showed him the one about prostitutes...he thought I was creative yet mental).

I was going to talk about him at length but the wonderful talk the Humanist minister did at his funeral far surpassed anything I could ever write. So I am simply going to publish a poem he wrote many years ago that we found the day after he died that has been such a help and comfort to me. I hope you like it.


When time has come for us to go
And leave our loved ones behind,
Let not their hearts be filled with woe
And life to them unkind.

For when we sleep this dreamless sleep
And venture on beyond,
In our hearts our love will keep,
Their troubles will be gone.

Then we meet our loved ones
Who left us in days gone by,
And joyous will be the meeting
With tears of joy in every eye.

To the dear ones whom we have left
With sorrow and heartbreak pain,
Do not weep for us, for we are but asleep,
To be born again.

By John Downie.

Quite simply I wouldn't have the sense of humour I have today if it wasn't for Dad, and will continue posting stupid, random things on here in his memory because I know wherever he is out there, he is shaking his head and laughing at me.

Thanks for reading.