Half Ton Stunned

For the last couple of weeks now I have been staying with my Mum in Thetford.

As I don't have TV at home in Norwich (over 1000 DVDs in the flat - is there any need?) I really don't see that much on it.

Since being here I have got slightly addicted to the documentaries of the grotesque and obscene.

The first of these was Half Ton Dad. I had already seen Half Ton Son with my friend Stacey last year and we wowed as he was towed out of his house, shat himself and how his arse turned chair shaped when he sat down.

Bu that was (dare I say it) small fries compared to Half Ton Dad. Who weighed it at 73 stone or 1032 pounds.

By far the best bit of the documentary was when they had to cut the large fatty deposits off that had grown on his thighs. These required cleaning beforehand, and the cleaners discovered wounds on these deposits. And shit had got into the wounds and dried. That's bound to be worse than salt.

I may start saying that: "There's no need to rub dried shit in the wound!"

But HTD did lose a lot of weight - in fact he lost 12 stone in 2 weeks! Bear in mind that's what I weigh. He lost a Thom.

But nothing could prepare me for this evening. I saw the title of the show - Embarrassing Bodies, but its a Sunday evening at 7pm on Channel 4 what would it be about? A big nose maybe, a bit of stomach podge, stubby fingers...

Well no.

First up was a woman with a massive vagina. Bit racy to say 'vagina' at 7pm on a weekend evening. Well all bets were off when they showed you a closeup of the wizards sleeve in question. The fact you could back in a petrol tanker, with 2 Ka's either side and have all 3 vehicles open their doors as wide as possible was almost trivial!

Isn't Songs Of Praise on the other side?? What if someone aiming for 1 hit the button below? Expecting the Antiques Roadshow and get a good old look at what could only be described as a clowns pocket!

Next up was a woman with one boob bigger than the other. She got them out almost instantly. I know the shows excuse is that its medical, its educational, who would find this sort of thing attractive...but some people like amputee porn. Just putting that out there.

So the woman with a slightly bigger (or smaller, I'd say the former I'm a cup half full kind of guy and that pun was meant with extreme prejudice) nork. Cue the graphic surgery as they stuff in the implant then cut off her nipple and move it up a bit!

Then came a gentleman who had to piss 20 or 30 times a day. He had a hand shoved up his arse and had his prostate massaged. Guys - if anyone ever offers to massage your prostate...fucking run.

I guess the shows writers felt there had been a lot of female nudity so there was literally a penis montage. One guys was so small he could neither have sex or masturbate. I don't know what happened to him, but I probably would have suggested suicide. Or switching sides.

We also had one of the shows presenters having a wank to see how is sperm was. I had pretty much tuned out in shock by this point.

I turned off before the end, but not before we saw the woman with the massive vagina again - I think they had just seen Madeline McCann in there, but she disappeared beneath a giant beef curtain.

I'm going to be staying in Thetford for another couple of weeks and I think in a sick way I'm going to miss these trashy documentaries (others included Tourettes and I Want Fake Boobs and Dirty Pervs online pay for them if I get my tits out in photos) when I go back to Norwich!

Till next time (and with the rate of these shows that will be very soon).