Sadly, I was unable to find the 'Keep Facebook Free' group I tore apart last time, but instead found 'Keep ~facebook~ free!!! ...Not 4 dollars a month'. Created by an anonymous idiot, this is actually listed on the site under local businesses. But lets have a look at some of the input from the final people of the world.
Cami Juskowiak (who appears to be a baby that has the ability to type) starts us off: "i will never pay 4 fb i will go back to myspace or my year book this is bs get us hooked then charge what a bunch of crap"
I am slightly in love with the mental image of Cami shutting her computer down, and just plunging into her old high school yearbook, weeping to herself. As for MySpace, I doubt she knows any of the 6 people that still use the site.
It seems that Joan Smith has some Dalai Lama-esque view of the group, or has just stumbled upon it by complete accident and has no earthly idea what she is typing: "Life is what you make it...go for it...you don't get a second chance and this is not a dress rehearsal"
And finally, it's always helpful to have a mathematician in these groups. Sadly, this doesn't so we have to make do with Chris Hardy, who must have pawed this in on his iphone whilst being distracted by some flashing lights or something: "Slot of people are going to drop fb when this hapens . I'd like to see the before and after numbers I bet 3/4 fb population drop"
And what of Top Gear? It wasn't going anywhere 18 months ago, and to the surprise of no one, it continues. The next season starts on the BBC in June apparently. Try telling that to the 42,824 absolute planks on the 'Petition to Save Top Gear' group. I was always under the impression that a petition involved signing your name, and I doubt a lot of these people know how to write, so that may pose a problem. Anyway here are some gems from the group.
The...uniquely named Grace Glue will kill herself if Top Gear was cancelled:"Its the only thing I watch on television, I have watched every episode made. I love it, if it ends, my life will end." Firstly, Top Gear has been running in one incarnation since 1977, so I doubt she has seen EVERY episode. I think if Top Gear ever did get cancelled, we should track her down and remind her of what she said. "Go on then Grace, end it now". To be honest, this country is so fucked up, someone probably would top themselves if they cancelled Eastenders. It would be nice if everyone who watched Eastenders did though.
Lisa Petersen can't take the same bad news twice: "They can't possibly be rid of the best show since Ballykissangel!!"
Mark Butterworth seems to be in a state of shock about the (fictitious) news, so much so he says almost exactly the same thing twice: "What kind of asshole tries to cancle top gear, must have mental health issues lol I still cant beleave some asshole wants to cancle top gear, idiots" It's like it took all he had just to type the first part up till "lol", had to go lie down due to the stress, then returned later still angry about the whole thing.
This next guy at least saves me the bother of introducing him: "John from Christchurch New Zealand. Unbelieveable that I could ever be without the 3 rushkateers. Dont be bloody stupid BBC. These are a world wide and reknowned institution, with hydraulic fluid, diesel, petrol rushing thru their veins. We get the rush also at least once a week here. Its the non PC approach that has the edge over other Television. Extreme viewing, nobody dies, no-one has been murdered, no-one has done evil against fellow-man. Plain honest truth and opinion. Need more. Yes. Stay with these guys BBC-or be DAMMED ! ! !" Two things strike me about this. One, of course, is that John has way too much time on his hands. The second is, what the hell kind of TV do they have in New Zealand? Top Gear shouldn't be cancelled because "no-one has been murdered"? I was unaware of the popularity of snuff in that country. By this standard you could keep any old shit on the television "Yeah, The X Factor is awful, but no one has been murdered!" No, just countless songs.
Finally, Kyle Morgan seems to think that any possible cancellation would be the fault of the Mexican government, and ends up unintentionally riffing on that old Ferrero Rocher advert (but in a really small minded, racist way): "The mexican ambasador can go suck his dick, leave top gear alone you fat lazy greasy smelly ugly unreliable worthless couch potato that probably can't even see your own dick and spends your worthless life eating horrible food and sleeping until you wait for your inevitable death by a heart attack on the toilet." If that is how Kyle thinks about a TV show, I wonder what he must think about, you know, important things.
To wrap up, I thought I would have a look for groups talking about the AV referendum. Personally, I have just got my head round what it actually means (it's harder than Chinese algebra) and have yet to make a decision. Just looking for groups is fairly amusing, there is one (albeit small) called 'I May Vote Yes To AV In The Referendum, But It Won't Be My First Choice.' Can see what they were trying to do, I think, but it just sounds as if they have no spine and are doing what one of these unhelpful leaflets that drop through the door are telling them to do.
Like a child who wants something different the second they have something new, I am forgoing looking for AV thickos, instead going to the idiot goldmine. THE ROYAL WEDDING. If you have been living under a rock, then lucky you. Two snobbish, privileged cunts are getting married, and we are all footing the bill. In return we get a day off to watch them get married, and have been told in the media to have parties to celebrate how in love and rich and fucking great they think they are.
The immediate best group is called 'I Was Alive When Will and Kate Got Married'. I would be very concerned if I found a group called 'I wasn't alive when Will and Kate Got Married', meaning either the zombie invasion had started or scum parents have somehow found a way to get smartphones to their unborn children.
But I found the group 'Prince William and Kate' who seem to flit between pretending they are Prince William and Kate (first post: "Thank you all") or some stodgy, greying tour guide, reciting dull as dishwater facts about the big day:"Prince William will not wear a wedding ring, but his new wife's will be made from gold given to the prince by the Queen. According to tradition, the Welsh gold for royal rings comes from the Clogau St David's mine at Bontddu in North Wales." Nice to see they are going for a cheap option. I guess anyone would if they were getting a free wedding.
Marina Siddiq hasn't heard of video streaming: "Respected, Prince William and Dearest Princess Kate! I'm very happy for your wedding, i wish to see your wedding but i know its impossible! any ways, GOD BLESS YOU BOTH WITH LOTS OF HAPPINESS! Aameen. With lots of prayers and wishes, Marina from Pakistan!" Of course, she could be blind.
The brilliantly named Benedictus Andang popped in to offer his "CONCREGULATIONS" which was really nice of him, I thought.
"Prince William and Kate, may next Sunday be the most glorious day of your lives. The union of which the two of you become one will go down in history are one of the most precedent event. It will bring peace to the whole world for just a day, because the whole world is on the edge of their seats waiting for just this event." Laura Weideman is wrong for a few reasons. It won't bring peace to the world for five seconds, I doubt the Israelis and Palestinians are going to sit down together with a box of hankies and a tub of Haagen Daaz to watch. And the only reason the whole world would be on the edge of their seats is if there was a terrorist attack. Just saying. Also, Laura is going to be pissed to find out the wedding is on Friday, not Sunday.
And finally, Geronamo Antonio Piana has this to say: "William and Kate, when, in view of the world, make your contract of love and union, you do the reasonable act that exists today, to go down in the history indelibly, if you proclaim the renunciation to the throne monarchical, of divine election, forever." I think that means he wants to see them fuck on live TV.
And there is countless references to Diana, the 'Peoples Princess' (I always preferred the nickname 'Whore With A Heart Of Gold') who will be looking down on the ceremony from Heaven. Only not, because there's no such place. If there was maybe they could send the £10,000,000 this farce is going to cost fluttering down from the clouds.
Till the next time I feel like a moan.
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