The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth

I have always considered myself a movie geek. Inasmuch as I know who all the actors and actresses are, I can spot people in smaller roles, I know what is coming out, what has been out and what is out. When it comes to films...I know my shit.

The more times I go to things like Collectormania London (which took place this weekend just gone at London's Olympia 2 venue) the more I realize I'm not at the level of geekdom I thought. And this pleases me.

I don't do Cosplay. I have yet to dress up like Wonder Woman. And I have yet suppressed the urge to walk up to an increasingly pissed off looking Michael Biehn dressed as Arnie circa Terminator 2 and start shouting at him. These are all things we saw at Collectormania London.

My mission with these things is always straight forward. Get in, get my stuff signed, let the actors know how much I respect their work and get the hell out. But sadly this isn't always the way.

This time I was going to meet Carl Weathers, Cary Elwes and Michael Biehn and as soon as we arrived at the venue my flatmate Wayne and I grabbed tickets for all three. How it goes is you are given a numbered ticket and you check back every now and then to see if they are serving the correct number yet. For example I had number 195 for Carl Weathers and they were serving 1-100 when I got the ticket.

We had a wander round the hall first and saw quite a few people - some great guests this time around. There was prolific character actor Marshall Bell, Buffy star Mercedes McNab, the usual assortment of Star Wars guests who make their living at these events, and some real nobodies out of The Matrix , and kids who had one line of dialogue in Harry Potter.

After a while Carl Weathers was ready for us, so we met him. Sadly we were not allowed to have 'posed photographs' meaning the only photos you could take was during him signing. But worry not, he signed my Rocky boxset, I shook his hand and it was an amazing moment.

Next up was Cary Elwes, apparently doing his first European convention appearance. He also had the 'No Posed Photographs' sign above him but none of that mattered as he was one of the nicest guys I've met at these things. Asking how I was, thanking me for coming, it's little things like that which make the whole experience that more personal. And he also noticed Wayne had taken a less than satisfactory photo so he allowed him to take another one - this time with me in it! Take that sign! Top bloke.

Our tickets for Michael Biehn unfortunately were 273 and 274 respectively and he had spent the best part of 90 minutes on 1-70 and time was a factor for us. Thankfully we found our friend John who in turn is friends with someone who runs one of the DVD stands there and got a pass so we could jump the queue!

I can't blame him at all for this but I don't think Michael Biehn wanted to be there. We couldn't decide if he was hungover, ill or just in a bad mood but having a camera thrust in your face by a balding, middle aged virgin can't help. The sheer rudeness of that guy, and many others like them is just amazing. When I want a photo with someone in this situation I politely ask and am in the photo too. Guys like this walk up with a expensive camera, don't ask anything and just shove it in their face. But he seemed nice enough managed to get a smile and a handshake out of the guy.

We left not long after that, but not before noticing the guy who played Mayor Goldie Wilson in the Back To The Future films has not aged a day, and also almost being evacuated because the Pizza Hut next door was on fire.

All in all it was a good day out. Well I say day, but you can only really walk around once or twice once you've met who you want to mainly due to the cringey embarrassment caused from people dressed like Stormtroopers, Judge Dredd, a little person dressed as Yoda...hell I went to the toilets in there (note to self: never again) and took a leak next to a guy dressed as a Ghostbuster.

I just like to get my films signed where I can, and it's always a good story to tell people how you met soandso but some of these attendees give movie fans a bad name (and jeez are they aggressive, I got shoved out of the way 2 or 3 times by people trying to look at things - maybe they lack the necessary social skills from living in their parents basements for so long).

Anyway, before I even start talking about the Anime and Cosplay lot (Urgh) I shall sign off and link you to some photos we got. Enjoy.

Carl Weathers

My flatmate near Carl Weathers

Cary Elwes

Cary Elwes and I (The posed photo!)

Michael Biehn

My flatmate and Michael Biehn

Michael Biehn and I

Signed Rocky boxset

Signed Terminator DVD

Signed Princess Bride DVD

Now Playing: 9th November 2010

The first in a (hopefully) regular series about what music is pleasing my ears as at the moment. Or not, as the case may be.

Bruce Springsteen - The Promise

As if there wan't a wealth of B-Sides in Springsteen's 'Tracks' boxset, here comes 22 more taken from the time around the recording of 1978's 'Darkness On The Edge Of Town'. The quality of the music on this speaks volumes about the output The Boss was putting out at this point. Long time live staples like 'Fire' finally get a studio outing as does Springsteen's version of the song he gave to Patti Smith (which went on to become a huge hit for her) 'Because The Night'. And songs like the title track and 'Save My Love' goes to show what a hard choice it must have been to choose 'Darkness'' final tracklisting. 'Darkness On The Edge Of Town' is being released the same time as this, fully remastered and I can't wait to hear it.

Ray Davies - See My Friends

Always a interesting listen albums like this - an album of an artist re-recording their old songs, but this has the added interest of being re-recording versions with guest artists. A fantastically eclectic mix of acts from Paloma Faith to Bon Jovi, from Mumford & Sons to Metallica. Some of these covers work well, some do not. But it's all listenable enough stuff and it doesn't want to make you run to the Kinks albums, never to return to it again.

The Kinks - Picture Book

Which doesn't mean I didn't though. One of those bands where it's impossible to hear a cover version and not want to go hunt out the original. This boxset covers everything The Kinks ever did essentially condensed onto 6 discs. Listen to where your favourite bands got stuff from and shake your head...

Nelson - After The Rain/Lightning Strikes Twice

Nelson burst onto the rock music scene in 1991 looking like a slightly more mature Hanson scoring a US number one with '(Can't Live Without Your) Love And Affection, from the 'After The Rain' album a collection of piss-takingly catchy Bon Jovi lite anthems which literally does not have a bad song on it. Who knows how big they may have become but of course grunge came along and destroyed everything in it's path with the exception of the aforementioned Jovi (But at what cost? Look at them now, they're almost like Vegas lounge singers) and possibly Motley Crue.

But Nelson are back this year (they did do albums in the meantime but this is the only one that has the feeling of a true follow up, and hell even the title has the rain references) with 'Lightning Strikes Twice' and it really does. Another collection of fantastic soft rock songs. Will do nothing for the stock of the band unless Journey pick them up as a support band but its good to see an effort is still being made.

Skid Row - Selected Discography

Starting with the self titled debut (another album that has no bad songs on), continuing with the heavier 'Slave To The Grind' - two albums that really don't need much more said about them, I skipped over 'Subhuman Race' to have a first listen of the Seb Bach -less material Skid Row have been putting out, starting with 'Thick Skin'. New singer Johnny Solinger has a great voice and some of the stuff isn't that bad - songs like 'Thick Is The Skin', 'Born A Beggar' and 'Mouth Of Voodoo' absolutely rock, 'See You Around' borders on post grunge territory but works nonetheless. Sadly the punk cover of 'I Remember You' is diabolical. Haven't got round to their last album 'Revolutions Per Minute' though, I will have that for you for next time.

Still Playing

The albums out for a while that I'm still spinning...

Alter Bridge - ABIII - Not the best album of their career, but possibly the most consistent. This does not let up and gets better and better with repeated listens.

The Wildhearts - Chutzpah!/Chutzpah Jr. - The best album of 2009 in my opinion still does not fail to disappoint and the 'Jr.' B sides release is pretty damn good as well. Will be very interested to see how Ginger and the guys will top this.

Black Label Society - Order Of The Black - Another totally bludgeoning album from Zakk Wylde with the usual mix of massive guitar riffs and equally massive piano ballads. And the video for 'Overlord' has to be seen to be believed.

FM - Metropolis - The latest album from the UK's answer to Journey is probably up there with 'Tough It Out' as the best of their careers. Not one to sound like a broken record but there is nary a bad song to be found on here either!

The Chuff

Because sometimes good bands go bad...

Bon Jovi - The new songs on Greatest Hits - Oh God. These coupled with the dreadful 'One Night Only' show broadcast on ITV hammer another nail into the Jovi's respectability coffin. Sure enough the album has sold loads and nearly topped the album chart but the band have been totally de-balled by their singer. I hear Jon Bon Jovi wants to do a solo album next...the only good that would come of this is if 'Only-good-thing-left-about-the-band' Richie Sambora did the same.

My Darkest Days - My Darkest Days - After hearing the excellent 'Porn Star Dancing' I had high hopes for this. Turns out the song was a total one off, and as it turned out was only really that good thanks to the guest spots from Zakk Wylde, Chad Kroeger and Ludacris. Even that song is ruined on the album, split into 'rock' and 'rap' versions (I'm pretty sure people can handle 2 different genres at once) and the rest of the album makes the most middle of the road post-grunge band sound like Slayer. Don't want to call them a bunch of pussies but...well I have no way of finishing that sentence.

Till next time.

Time For A Rant

It seems like a long time since I posted anything that wasn't a film review, Hell it has been a long time since I posted much of anything really. Often finding myself just not being in the head space for doing a post. At one point I was determined to review every film I watched, which being a raging film geek like myself proved quite difficult.

But today I just wanted to go on about people for a bit.

To preface all this, I understand that people have their own lives to live but in recent times I have found people to be so much more selfish and ignorant to other people than they used to be.

I pride myself on trying to be a good friend to people. Case in point - my friend Stacey passed her driving test today, and as I was coming to Thetford to visit my Mum I tried to nip round to her flat with a congratulations card I bought. This was no big deal for me, I didn't feel like I was going out of my way to do it. It's just the sort of thing people should do right?

Well if it is, I'm the only one doing it. Where did this wave of selfishness come from?

Example - my BlackBerry was sent away to be repaired and I had none of my numbers on the courtesy phone so using Facebook (and I feel this place is a prime reason for what I'm talking about) I put up a couple of statuses and sent a message to the people I text most, and to say the response rate was poor was an understatement.

I get that message and I take the what? 30 seconds? To quickly send off a text. But no, this seems to be too big a deal for some.

Although I still find it a useful tool (mainly for collecting photographs together as you're not going to get all your Facebook friends to jump over to Flickr lets be fair) although it is grating on me. Since when does the fact you have a Facebook profile mean you don't have to send a birthday card or something like that? Obviously I have 89 friends on there and they aren't all going to get birthday cards but people just seem to use it so they don't need to make an effort anymore.

That isn't saying I don't use Facebook as a shortcut sometimes. Take the chat application on there. It is a fast and easy way to keep in touch with people but you have to ask yourself what the point is when people don't even reply on that. Can't be bothered/too busy to talk with someone? Fucking TELL THEM. It requires about 5 seconds of effort but even that seems too much these days.

I know I was brought up slightly earlier than most of my friends but I refuse to believe that its a generational thing. Although it is probably getting there. It just seems in the last year or so people I know, or people friends tell me about, hell even customers where I work are more self involved and rude than before!

As I said, I know people have their own lives but it takes the piss royally. Take this story, based on true events. The names have been changed...

W has a friend, lets call them X. It's X's birthday on a Saturday and although W has had a heavy night the night before and feels like shit he goes out for it, but takes his friend Y and heads out early unless he falls asleep at home. A venue is pretty much decided on. W and Y sit in this place for almost 3 hours, not really feeling 100% (and by the way texting X to let them know they are there) only to see X and their contingent walk past (and looking straight in at W and Y) and go somewhere else without a word.

And when they are called on it the next day X lays a guilt trip on W.

That is an actual example of something that happened to me. And they said to me that I seemed to want something more from them, a pressure of kinds. And THAT, pardon the upcoming pun is the X Factor - reliability. That isn't something you should have to pressure people into. People should treat people how they would like to be treated.

The above isn't an isolated event but its a particularly potent example of how people just live in their little bubbles with their own little agendas and its not just one person, two people but everyone. I should also point out that the friend isn't the only one, I'm not just picking on one person a lot of people can be guilty of it. I could have actually used as different case study but that wasn't my story to tell.

I seem to have to walk a fine line. I don't want to become a pity case because of my Father passing away earlier in the year. I get generally uncomfortable when people show sympathy and that, I appreciate it but don't know what to do with it. But I feel people around me (and people around others) should just make an effort. And I don't want that to be mixed up with "Feel sorry for me!"

Send a text, make a phone call, send an email. Hell, I know this is 2010 and human contact seems to beginning to get frowned upon - but go out for a drink with someone, catch a movie, you can even sacrifice a goat if you want to!

So that is my rant about that. Apologies go out to the people in my life who are reliable. They know who they are.

Till next time.

Film Review: Paranormal Activity 2

SPOILERS ABOUND.

Last year Paranormal Activity arrived seemingly out of nowhere to cinema screens and made a huge splash as well as a shed load of money for Paramount (made for around $11,000 it went on to make over $100 million in the States alone) and even more impressively I found a horror film that actually made me jump on multiple occasions.

Dealing with what you didn't see over what you did, PA1 masterfully ramped up the tension and delivered real shocks and a hell of an ending.

But, of course it made over $100 million so a sequel was bound to happen. But how do you follow on from a film shot with handheld cameras with only 2 main characters (And one of them is killed off at the end)?

Simple it seems. Prequel, baby.

Starting around 60 days before events of the first film this focuses on the sister of Katie from the original and her family (Husband, step daughter, dog and baby). Spooked by what appears to be a break in the family invest in 6 hidden cameras to be dotted around their house to prevent it happening again. What we see on screen is a combination of that 'footage' and camcorder hijinks normally to do with the baby, but is used as things get worse in the house.

Appearances from Katie and Micah from the original are made and groundwork for what happens to them is laid quite nicely surprisingly. They are in about 3 or 4 scenes total, more of a guest spot than actual starring roles.

The slightly silly plot that sets up the reason for the demon visitation this time around is that if you make a deal with a demon they can claim your first born child. References to Kristi (Sprague Grayden) and Katie's mother are made, and eventually a transfer of the hauntings to a blood relative sets up the events of the first film.

So with the plot out of the way...how is the paranormal activity?

The use of sound is still there, but a lot less of the footsteps this time. The subtleties are still there, a door opening, the babies carousel moving slowly on it's own. The big jumps are still there but a lot less for me this time round (2 in fact - the first thump and all the cupboards in the kitchen both got me), I'm sure another would have happened in the climatic basement scene but it seemed a bit too much like REC for me but in a basement instead of an attic.

Something else that bugged me throughout was that they deviated from casting unknowns. I find that these films worked a lot better when you don't recognize anyone in them. Obviously, you know it's not real but it adds a sense of reality to it that you wouldn't get if Bruce Willis showed up.

As I watched it I thought the lead actress who played Kristi did indeed look a bit like Sprague Grayden who was in Six Feet Under and played the President's daughter in Season 7 of 24 but thought that it was just a similarity but the credits revealed otherwise which will really take me out of the film the next time I watch it.

But overall it was a worthy, albeit rather pointless sequel. The few questions that were left from the original like 'Why did the demon return when it did?" and "Where did the photo come from?" didn't REALLY need answering but they were answered in a very satisfactory way without getting silly.

Silly, though, is a worry I start to get should a third in the series emerge (and Paranormal Activity 2 made $20 million on it's FIRST DAY OUT in the States, it seems like a inevitability). Surely they can't use the CCTV or camcorder stunt again, but on the other hand - they can't film it like a regular film. That takes away the franchises gimmick.

Of course there may not be a sequel- the demon Katie has the baby, the debt is paid and common sense may win out over money for once. But if they do I'm wanting it called Paranormal Activity 3: Babies Day Out.

***

An unnecessary sequel but aren't they all? PA2 still provides some great shocks but let's hope they leave it there.

Film Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Quite how this film escaped my attention for so long is a mystery. I always seem to pride myself in finding the most messed up, controversial films long before anyone has heard of, let alone seen them. But The Human Centipede (For brevity's sake I shall drop the 'First Sequence' portion of the title for the rest of the review) only came to my attention just over a month ago, and since it was made in 2009 I made it my mission to try and see it as it was getting a UK release.

Only problem was due to the controversial nature of the film...where the hell would I see it? I was looking at a wait till October where it lands on Region One DVD!

Thank God then for the obviously unbalanced folks at Cinema City in Norwich who elected to show it for one night only this weekend.

The film tells of 2 American tourists (who, as this is a horror film, are exceedingly dumb) who are on a road trip of holiday of Germany and while looking for a nightclub they get a flat tire and are stranded in the middle of nowhere. Without a phone signal, obviously.

After a disturbing (but hilarious) encounter with a fat bloke, the girls retreat from their car and find the house of one Dr. Heiter (played brilliantly by Dieter Laser) who unfortunately for the girls is a retired surgeon who specialized in separating Siamese twins but now...lets just say he likes to mix things up.

The girls are summarily drugged and fastened to hospital beds in Heiter's cellar laboratory where...well I think its best explained by the dialogue itself, I don't think I could do it justice somehow.

"I'll explain this spectacular operation only once. We start with cutting the ligamentum patella, the ligaments of the kneecaps, so knee extension is no longer possible. Pulling from "B" and "C" the central incisors, lateral incisors and canines from the upper and lower jaws, the lips from "B" and "C," and the anus of "A" and "B," are cut circular along the border between skin and mucosa, the mucus cutaneous zone. Two pedicelated grafts are prepared and lifted from the underlying tissue. The shaped incisions below the chins of "B" and "C" up to their cheeks connecting the circular mucosa and skin parts of anus and mouth, from "A" to "B," and "B" to "C," connecting the pedicelated grafts to the chin-cheek incisions from "A" to "B," and "B" to "C," creating a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passing through B, to the excretion of C. The human centipede, first sequence"

And apparently '100% medically accurate" (The directors father in law was a surgeon who helped him with the details) But what of the film?

First of all I'm unsure if it was director Tom Six's intention but the film is hilarious. It really shouldn't be and at some points ("Mein leiber 3-hund") who ask yourself whether you should be laughing at this at all, but the film is so ridiculous and the character of Heiter is so over the top (think a German Christopher Walken at his most extreme...then double it) you just can't help but laugh.

But it also works as a decent little horror movie, although the humour factor does take the edge off some of the horror but I guess that is subjective. The audience in the screen I saw it in were roaring with laughter all the way through - obviously understanding how demented the whole thing was, but some people would take it more seriously and not see the hilarity of a man training a human centipede to bring him his newspaper. Weirdos.

Overall the film works. You don't get to see too much of the surgery (but you see quite a bit) and once the operation is complete you can't really see whats going on there - a lot of it is in your head, especially when the 'front piece' needs to go number two...

But again, the humour is what takes it above your generic 'torture porn' kind of film. Let's hope the quality is maintained in 2011's sequel The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) where we have been promised a 12 person centipede and for the film to be '100% medically INaccurate' ... can't wait!

****

The humour blunts the horror most of the time but this is still a messed up masterpiece.

Film Review: The Expendables

It has been almost 2 years since I first heard about The Expendables. At first it was just Sylvester Stallone making a massive action film, but then as the weeks progressed and turned into months the cast started coming together and every announcement seemed to top the last.

First modern day action favourite Jason Statham was cast, then martial arts legend Jet Li, then a man who has been off the big screen and languishing in DTV hell for years - Dolph Lundgren. And the names kept on rolling - UFC champion Randy Couture, WWE Champion 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, Eric Roberts - another man who gets a long deserved big 'bad guy' role, Dexter's David Zayas, Former NFL star Terry Crews...

And not forgetting 3 unforgettable appearances from Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I remember well about a year ago being gutted that the release date of May 2010 had been pushed back to August. Late in 2009 we got a rough trailer which showed us what to look forward to, and well here we are!

The Expendables is the first non-Rocky or Rambo film Stallone has directed since 1983's Staying Alive and tells of a group of mercenaries sent to overthrow a dictator. Thats it really. And I'm not saying that as a negative.

The film starts with the team - Barney Ross (Stallone), Lee Christmas (Statham), Ying Yang (Li), Gunner Jensen (Lundgren), Toll Road (Couture) and Hale Ceasar (Crews) saving Americans from evil Pirates.

Just as a side note here - obviously Stallone and co-writer Dave Callaham were having a bit of a laugh with the characters names here - Steve Austin's character is simply called Paine, Mickey Rourke's Tool...

After the scene is set, we follow Ross to a meeting with potential client Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), which also involves another leader of a group of mercenaries Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Not to give away too much about this scene, but it's going to be one of those that go down in movie history. It's not a long scene but seeing the 3 action movie legends bouncing off each other is just brilliant and almost has a surreal quality to it.

That scene sets up the main plot of the film (such as it is) which involves The Expendables travelling to a South American island to overthrow a dictator (Zayas) but the dictator is being controlled by a ruthless American (Roberts).

Obviously when all the Expendables arrive at the island all hell breaks looses and culminates in a breathtaking action sequence in the underground of the dictators palatial residence. And when I mean breathtaking - I'm not kidding - a kind of hush fell over the cinema audience at this point as some of the most brutal fighting was uncorked in front of them.

The end also did expose a flaw or two - mainly down to some ropey CG which I won't detail as both instances are spoiler ridden, but you'll know what I mean.

In short The Expendables was the film I hoped it would be and more. Great action, cheesy dialogue and the return to the big screen of some people I'd never thought I'd see there again (especially Dolph Lundgren who looked like he was having a blast making it and was responsible for the second best line of the film - "Warning shot!")

And it seems to be catching. Apparently Bruce Willis saw a rough version and after all this time of distancing himself from the franchise (and only doing sequels when he can get something in return) he wants to do a proper old school style Die Hard film!

And what of The Expendables? It's left wide open for a sequel and after an impressive opening weekend in the States where it trounced Julia Roberts vehicle 'Eat, Pray, Love' and Edgar Wright's 'Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World' its bound to happen and Sly himself has already said he is thinking of ideas (apparently he has scrapped all plans for Rambo 5 in order to do a sequel) one of which is to introduce new Expendables.

So we can only hope for Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, a return in some way for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis (entirely possible for Arnie - he is out of office in November) or maybe even the holy grail of 80s action stars...Chuck Norris?

But for now, enjoy what we've got and go see this film repeatedly. You don't get many chances to see something like this on the big screen.

*****

Sly and co. do not dissapoint in this adrenaline packed mammoth. Miss it at your peril!

Crikey Mel!

Just as the dust was starting to set on the infamous anti-semitic 'sugartits' rant from a few years ago (Sugartitsgate?) foul mouthed bigot Mel Gibson has done it again! And got taped doing so. Check this out...but not at work seriously there is some totally fruity language.

And also...

I think we need to send Gazza round for a little chat.

Till next time...YOU SHOULD JUST SMILE AND BLOW MEEEEE!

Thom's Tangents III

It's back! A forum for me to mouth off about various subjects. Quite a lot has caught my ear and eyes (that's all the orifices, mind) the last week or so, and rather do blogs of various shapes and sizes I thought I would resurrect the Tangents.

And apologies to my Facebook acolytes - I will be reusing 2 jokes I made in statuses in the last week. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not - fuck off. There's about a 20% chance I don't like you and am friends with you for the sake of things not being awkward anyway...

The big news story this week was Rothbury gunman Raoul Moat, who after evading capture after shooting his ex, killing her boyfriend AND shooting a policeman, was finally tracked down. And he ended up shooting himself after a 6 hour standoff (apparently involving John Locke from Lost - see here > http://bit.ly/bw4oe6).

Not to make light of what happened at all. It seems like a pretty fucked up situation and it's never good when someone gets shot and killed for no real reason.

BUT.

Paul Gascoigne showed up at the scene of the stand off.

He brought lager, KFC, a dressing gown and a fishing rod for Raoul Moat.

Then he gave a radio interview. This radio interview...

Hard to follow that up really. Just brilliant. How much better was the whole situation after Gazza showed up? Yeah Moatie shot himself but a pissed out of his head Gazza showed up with some chicken and a fishing rod for him!

That's it for news stories now. They need to be of a lighter tone. We need Paul Gascoigne to show up when things are looking their darkest. With props where appropriate.

Middle East conflict looking a bit grim? Gazza In Gaza.

Staying with Moatie for a moment - the saturation coverage that the news channels gave this was unbelievable! I'm not saying a tense stand off is an everyday occurrence but it happens a fair bit, I'm sure. Why was this one given the full treatment by the media?

Prime time Friday night we had 6 hours of a bloke lying on the grass, while the news commentators desperately tried to fill the boredom talking about anything from Moat's hat to the drainage system. It just wasn't THAT newsworthy. Well, except the Gazza thing- that was fucking priceless.

Talking of dragging things out for a fucking eternity - the World Cup finally ended last night with (SPOILER ALERT) Spain winning, beating the Netherlands. Germany - who you may remember handed England their arses a few weeks ago - came third.

Whilst on break at work on the Sunday of the final (or yesterday as some people may prefer to put it) Sky Sports News anchor Sam Matterface (yes...Matterface) asked the question "What would you have been doing today if England had made it though to the World Cup finals?"

Having thought about it, I offer this as what I would have been doing if England had made the World Cup finals...

Having kicked Christina Ricci out of bed for farting, I'd have nipped into the kitchen and made some breakfast. After that I'd make a few phone calls and sorted out the Israeli - Palestine conflict. After lunch, I would pop down to the lab and cure AIDs. And seeing as I would have a few hours to kill at the end of the day, I'd fuck Scarlett Johansson on the back of a bright green unicorn.

Bringing things back to a more local scale - check out these dickheads > http://bit.ly/de6HVq

Yes I work at the branch in question, but the question has to be asked...would you really go running to the local paper because you got I.D'd in a shop? I have been I.D.'d when I haven't had any on me before - the first thought that crossed my mind was "Crap - forgot it!" not "I wonder how much the Mirror will give me for this gem?"

Not sure if the Evening News would pay money for that story though. It must have been a hell of a slow news day when they decided to run the 'Girl Gets I.D'd In Shop' story.

Not to turn into Worky McWorkington but if you work on a checkout and you suspect someone is buying alcohol for a minor you don't allow the sale. Simple as. The girl in question looks younger than 25 and that's the way the cookie crumbles!

And crying about it in the car park? Get a grip love, you got I.D.'d. That shit happens. I think that bit was made up to try and get some sympathy anyway. Obviously that died on it's arse when it gets to me...

One of my friends this week spent the day doing one of the most pointless activities I have ever heard. A cake decorating course. No, really. I'm pretty sure that once you know how to decorate a cake...well that is pretty much it. There's nowhere else to go. It's kind of like learning to ride a bike. That's it. You can't like...ride a bike upside down.

And so it was. A bit of cake decorating was followed by a healthy dose (or unhealthy dose I'd wager) of box decorating. For the cakes to go in. I would want my money back and I'd want my time back.

Well that's about it for the third collection of tangents. Sure there will be more soon. Very soon in fact - I'm pretty convinced I have forgotten something I was going to write about. PRO.

Gig Review: Ozzy Osbourne at The Roundhouse. July 3rd 2010.

My recent spate of good luck with gigs that began with snagging a pair of tickets for Rage Against The Machine's historic Finsbury Park last month continued with managing to win another pair of this tickets - this time for Day 3 of the itunes Festival, taking place at the Roundhouse in Camden.

Stepping inside the Roundhouse, the main space where the bands play that is rather than the lush and rather nice looking exterior built around it is like stepping into the past.

In the late sixties and early seventies a 'who's who' of bands played there - David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Clash and the only UK appearance of The Doors. The venue closed it doors in 1983 until 1996 where it re-opened as an arts venue. Then it closed again in 2004 for the refit and expansion we see today. It is truly dripping with history. But strangely as Ozzy himself later pointed out - neither he or Black Sabbath ever played there!

Promoting his new album 'Scream', Ozzy seemed a weird choice for the generally 'scene' lineup of the rest of the days (which promises the likes of many 'here today, forgotten next month' acts like Foals, Ellie Goulding, Mumford And Sons etc. - the only exception to that rule being Foreigner and Europe) but here he was in all his glory!

First though was a band who had won a competition on Ozzy's MySpace (yes, MySpace still exists) Black Spiders who I have actually seen before, supporting The Wildhearts last year at The Waterfront. And they helped in assisting getting us backstage that night, so I will always have a lot of time for them.

The sound system in The Roundhouse is fantastic, probably the best I have heard in a small venue, and the Spider's sounded great. Hopefully this will lead to bigger gigs for them in the next couple of years.

Next up were The Sword who were a odd lot. Sort of sounding like Clutch with the big riffing but with more fantasy - based lyrics. I really don't think they went down to well. Musically they were tight and the riffs sounded spectacular but the vocalist couldn't be made out at all when singing which was pretty bad considering how good the sound was in the venue.

But all that was kind of superfluous to what was next. The Prince of Darkness himself - Ozzy Osbourne. I last saw Ozzy back in 2005 at Download when he was playing with Black Sabbath. While liking Sabbath, I have always preferred Ozzy's solo material so was busting with excitement. And with fresh new guitarist Gus G with him, the band should be sounding good. Just as long as Ozzy was on form!

Was he ever! Granted he doesn't move around the stage as much as did when I saw him running from one end of the stage to another with Sabbath at Download 2005, but for a guy who has been through what he has it's a miracle he is here at all! Of course that may have been because the stage was a lot smaller. Taking to the stage and kicking straight into 'Bark At The Moon' was a hell of a good start.

After that he played the only new song of the evening 'Let Me Hear You Scream', but after that it was a trawl through the greatest hits of his solo career - mainly focusing on the Blizzard Of Ozz and No More Tears albums (arguably the best albums of his solo career) - and some Sabbath songs thrown in for good measure.

Ozzy seemed to be getting a lot of pleasure chucking buckets of water at everyone (and he got us a good one too, we were soaked through!) which he did throughout the show, and at one point actually threw one of the recently emptied buckets into the crowd for good measure. Security did try and reclaim the bucket but to no avail.

A great thing was that after all these years the voice remains the same, pretty much. No one ever accused Ozzy of being a great singer (a great frontman yes) but his inimitable voice still sounded the same.

At various points during the evening it kept on occurring me as to how damn lucky we were to be seeing a legend (and yes, I know that word is thrown about way too much but in this case it's true) like Ozzy in such an intimate venue. The place wasn't even full. After the ticket winners had been admitted (and given a wristband and lanyard) others were let in to sit in the seating area upstairs - but that wasn't even full.

So if you wanted to see Ozzy Osbourne for free...you totally missed out!

The band, which also included former Rob Zombie bassist Blasko, were on top form too and did a great, extended version of Sabbath instrumental number 'Rat Salad'.

Coming back on stage for an encore, we were teased with each song being the last before Ozzy got a "one more song!" chanted and launched into another. Obviously all set up but great fun nonetheless.

Business finally wrapped up with the obvious 'Paranoid' which ended a great show. One that proved that for now at least Ozzy has still got it. But for how much longer? You to have to question that anytime an artist in their 60's are still performing.

Here is 'Shot In The Dark' from last night...

Ozzy played...

1. Bark At The Moon
2. Let Me Hear You Scream
3. Mr. Crowley
4. I Don't Know
5. Fairies Wear Boots
6. Suicide Solution
7. Road To Nowhere
8. Shot In The Dark
9. Rat Salad
10. Iron Man
11. Crazy Train
12. Mama, I'm Coming Home
13. I Don't Want To Change The World
14. War Pigs
15. Paranoid

The Day The Innocence Died

It was a regular Monday afternoon for me at work today. Slightly shorter day than usual, wedged nicely in between 2 days off. But it was still a Monday and there is still that psychological 'Monday' factor that always wears you down if you're working.

As I carried on about my business who should turn the corner and start walking up the aisle? Only Norwich cult icon The Puppet Man! Whoa yeah the fucking Puppet Man! He who stands outside Primark with a rubbish puppet (I don't even know of what) dancing to whatever he's taped off the radio. It makes him an integral part of Norwich as the Partridge.

But back to the shop. Here he comes, I'm thinking - this is going to be awesome. What's he going to do? Will he do a little dance? Is the puppet with him- will he crack that out? Who cares this is going to be fucking OFF THE CHART.

So here he comes. Oh he's going to grab a pie first. Erm why is he crouching down - oh god he's on his knees. Just rummaging through the pies like they are being outlawed by some sadistic Orwellian regime. Oh wait, he's talking to himself now. That would be slightly acceptable if the puppet was here. But it's not. I can't even understand what he is saying.

It was bad. He eventually got up, sans pie and wandered off still talking to himself.

It was a crushing moment. A cult figure in my life reduced to a fucking joke. This is worse than when I heard about Pee Wee Herman wanking in the cinema.

So now all that is left for me to do is remove myself from the Facebook Puppet Man fan group, and try to be strong the next time I walk past Primark - just looking forward as tears well in my eyes and sting my cheeks.

Turns out - like most cult heroes of mine - he's just a fucking tramp.

The Big Four

The mere fact that Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax and Slayer actually got together for a tour is pretty incredible. Sure there was the 'Clash Of The Titans' tour in 1991 but that was missing Metallica - a key ingredient I'm sure you agree.

So it was pretty disappointing that it was not to hit U.K. shores (at the moment, we may get it in 2011 or 2012) but fear not! Some enterprising bod in the music business decided to get in shown in cinemas across the world - live from Sofia in Bulgaria.

Not the most tropical location, but a result. See Metallica play in your local multiplex - good shit right? Well that kinda depends...

My friend Andrew and I discovered that the Cinema City in Norwich was showing it for just £8 a ticket so we snapped them up and headed down there. We had no idea what was waiting for us.

For a starter - and this is so 'by the way' to the main story I had actually forgotten and remembered again about 3 paragraphs down - it wasn't live. The best way to put it was extended highlights although Anthrax and Slayer may have had their full sets shown.

We really should have been worried when 2 people walked in with cardboard Ozzy Osbourne masks (perfect for sitting in a blacked out room and not watching Ozzy Osbourne).

For the first 3 bands (Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer who all for the record weren't brilliant) all seemed fine. Then we had a brief break where tribute was paid to the late Ronnie James Dio then it all started to go a bit south.

Now when I say cheering broke out when Metallica took the stage I don't mean a hearty "RAAAAY" or applause or anything like that. It sounded like Charlie Says and this clapping which sounded like people were missing 3 out of 4 strikes.

It continued throughout with fruitless attempts to try and clap in rhythm fall on their arse. For the duration it was just pretty annoying. Don't mind applause and that but at the end of the day you're in a cinema. Dial it down a notch.

Throughout there was a woman sat next to Andrew who had a notebook out and was writing something. Fair enough. Even though again - you're in a cinema. Bit hard to write anything. Metallica start playing 'Enter Sandman' and I feel a slight rocking sensation. So I turn to Andrew and ask "Is that you?" to see the woman rocking violently back and forth. We were legitimately worried she had Parkinson's.

Then it started to get worse. As the band carried on playing someone behind us shouted "Seek & Destroy!". Yep. They shouted a song request. To the cinema screen. That was showing pre-taped highlights. Of a show in Bulgaria.

The requests were to continue. "Enter Sandman!" another voice at the back shouted. About 12 minutes after they had played 'Enter Sandman'.

And worst yet. Someone actually shouted out "She Sells Sanctuary!" A song by The Cult.

Now I know what you may be thinking - "Ahh they had a few beers and were just pissing around". No. I can tell when there is that sort of wacky humour whether it be in the tone of their voice or maybe some sneaky laughing between themselves after the 'joke'. There was none of this. These people were being deadly serious.

The worst moment of all was to come right after the historic moment when all 4 bands took to the stage and performed Diamond Head's 'Am I Evil?' together. After the historic moment they all gathered for a photo in front of the drumkit. Obviously the photo was being taken on a digital camera as we never saw the camera angle they were looking at. Then someone in our audience shouted this:

"THEY CAN SEE US!"

Let me just recap. Using bullet points.

• Digital Camera
• Cinema Screen in Norwich, UK
• Concert in Sofia, Bulgaria
• 90 -120 minute time delay
• No form of camera or recording equipment in the room in Norwich

Again, no detection of any humour in their voices.

We soon left. Just as they started 'Seek And Destroy' as it goes. The collected noise in the room sounded like a room full of monkeys having a wank.

I can only assume either one of the following -

• The room had been double booked with a Yellow Bus outing, but instead of postponing either event they decided to show the Metallica show making a change from scrawling in crayon on the wall.
• Heavy Metal fans really are as dense as the rest of the world thinks.

It could really go either way.

Download Festival 2010. Day Three - Sunday 13th June

Sunday is fast becoming the busiest day at Download, and this year was no exception. Lots of bands on two different stages to jam in and the bands we wanted to see started pretty early. But sadly this year the weather finally caught up with us after years of sun...

A last minute replacement for Ratt as vocalist Stephen Pearcy had to pull out due to needing emergency back surgery, F.M. (****) were a quality start to the day. And there smooth AOR sound must have made hundreds of new fans. I've been listening to them for a while and it was great to finally see them live. Lets hope it's not the last time. A short set, they played...

1. Wildside
2. That Girl
3. Don't Stop
4. Bad Luck
5. Burning
6. I Heard It Through The Grapevine

A huge crowd then gathered for the mighty Saxon (****1/2) who, as promised, played their 1980 album 'Wheels Of Steel' in its entirety. And a few more songs for extra measure. Which is where I actually docked on the half point. I personally thought it was one song too many. There's no need to improve on a amazing set by chucking another song in there. Although don't ask me what song they could have dropped!

But the positives - Saxon were made to play the mainstage at Donington - they looked truly at home there, and frontman Biff Byford is one of the best in the business. A memorable performance for sure. They played...

1. Motorcycle Man
2. Stand Up And Be Counted
3. 747 (Strangers In The Night)
4. Freeway Mad
5. See The Light Shining
6. Street Fighting Gang
7. Suzie Hold On
8. Machine Gun
9. Wheels Of Steel
10. And The Bands Played On
11. Denim And Leather
12. Princess Of The Night

So Cinderella (***) - you haven't played in the U.K. since 1991 - top that! While Tom Keifer and company put on a solid set of hard rock (and spine tingling ballad in one case) goodness it was really all there was. Couldn't help but detect a slight waft of disinterest in the air - not E'Nuff Z'nuff standard, but based on what I have heard of the band in live recordings...they weren't that chatty. But they played...

1. Somebody Save Me
2. Push Push
3. Night Songs
4. Coming Home
5. Shelter Me
6. Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)
7. Nobody's Fool
8. Gypsy Road
9. Shake Me

Holy smokes Slash & Myles Kennedy (*****) were good. Possibly the band of the festival. The original guitar hero mixed with Alter Bridge vocalist Kennedy's amazing voice, it was a match made in rock heaven. So much so this writer may have a hard time listening to old school G'N'R without thinking how much better a singer Kennedy is. Probably the best singer in the genre at the moment. Hell, the new Slash solo album would have been better with just Kennedy on!

Actual goosebump sensation to the intro of 'Sweet Child O' Mine' - an amazing performance, and a brilliantly memorable moment when fellow rock legend Lemmy came out for 'Doctor Alibi'. I didn't want them to leave, but they did but not before...

1. Ghost
2. Back From Cali
3. Nightrain
4. Rocket Queen
5. Starlight
6. By The Sword
7. Sweet Child O' Mine
8. Doctor Alibi (featuring Lemmy)
9. Slither
10. Paradise City

So that was over. But - fear not- it was time for the man who stole the festival back in 2005 with his blistering performance. It had started raining but who cares? It was time for Billy Idol (**)! Oh dear. We caught about half of his performance as we had to leave for the second stage (which we wouldn't have to do if the bands had kept to their times) but what we heard was pretty dull. A couple of highlights being 'Dancing With Myself' and 'Scream' but everything else was the slower 80s tunes and some truly insipid new material. The last we heard as we headed away was - god help us- an acoustic start to 'White Wedding'. They played...

1. Ready Steady Go
2. Dancing With Myself
3. Love Is Strange
4. Flesh For Fantasy
5. Scream
6. Eyes Without A Face
7. Kings And Queens
8. White Wedding
9. LA Woman
10. King Rocker
11. Blue Highway
12. Rebel Yell

By the time we had started the trek over to the Ronnie James Dio Stage it was pissing it down. Huddled an umbrella, leaning on the D barrier it was not the kind of weather to appreciate much but Porcupine Tree (***1/2) were on hand, and were great as always. Main problem with Steven Wilson and co. was that they played songs from latest concept album 'The Incident' which is meant to be a 70 minute 'song cycle' interspersed with older material. I know they couldn't play it all live, but it seemed a bit strange putting it down and picking it back up again. They played...

1. Occam's Razor
2. The Blind House
3. Anesthetize (Edit)
4. Degree Zero Of Liberty
5. Octane Twisted
6. The Seance
7. Circle Of Manias
8. Bonnie The Cat
9. Blackest Eyes

You couldn't get further removed from PT than you could with Steel Panther (****1/2) who, even though it was still lashing down with rain, cheered everyone up.

Unlike most 'comedy' bands (Tenacious D I am looking directly at you) Steel Panthers material has been out way over a year now and hasn't gotten any less funny. The songs are solid is the key to it all. And they were every bit as brilliant as before, as was the between song banter. Highlights included the relatively straight-faced cover of the Backstreet Boys 'I Want It That Way' and a special appearance from Anthrax's Scott Ian for the excellent 'Asian Hooker'. Hell - there was even a bloke in the crowd as 'The Shocker'! (Google it...or don't!)

Hilarious, weather defying stuff...Steel Panther played...

1. Death To All But Metal
2. Turn Out The Lights
3. I Want It That Way
4. Asian Hooker (featuring Scott Ian)
5. Community Property
6. Oklahoma Girl
7. The Shocker
8. Party All Day

Sadly after that the weather got the better of us. We just HAD to return to the campsite to change out of our soaked through clothing, thus depriving us of the chance to see Ginger's acoustic performance of Wildhearts songs at the Jagermeister stage.

We got back to the arena, dry as the rain was finally ceasing to see Stone Temple Pilots (who I hear were amazing) leave the stage. And just like when I first saw Aerosmith (*****) at Hyde Park in 2007 the moment the band hit the stage...rain stops. Weird.

There was a lot of build up to Aerosmith this time. The widely publicized bust-up between Steven Tyler and Joe Perry involved Tyler falling off a stage, reportedly falling off the wagon and out of the band. Then came the announcement they were headlining Download. Was it all a publicity stunt? Are they even possible these days? Would there be friction? We would find out.

Tyler hit the stage as only he could- in a gold sequined hat, jacket and trousers to the timeless 'Love In An Elevator' and I was certainly watching for discord between 'The Toxic Twins'...but struggled to find any. Tyler always throws himself around the stage and on his bandmates whilst they carry on playing...it was hard to tell.

After a a brilliant trawl through their extensive back catalogue from early hits like 'Mama Kin' all the way through to the epic tear-jerking power ballad 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing', it was all fantastic- and that includes the blues jamming section of the set. A personal highlight for me was 'What It Takes' from the Pump album. I love that song.

Unlike others, I never saw Tyler snort anything from the drumkit. Have heard he went to, but...come on, knowing him it was a joke. Any questions about the relationship with band members came at the end when Perry took the microphone and heaped praise upon Tyler. It felt good to know that it seems they have patched things up again, but who knows if we will see them again? They played...

1. Love In An Elevator
2. Back In The Saddle
3. Mama Kin
4. Eat The Rich
5. Livin' On The Edge
6. What It Takes
7. Train Kept A Rollin'
8. Cryin'
9. Lord Of The Thighs
10. Stop Messin' Around
11. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
12. Sweet Emotion
13. Baby, Please Don't Go
14. Draw The Line
15. Dream On
16. Walk This Way
17. Toys In The Attic

The relief of a pretty easy walk back to the campsite was sadly short-lived though.

The next day heading to the coach departure area (now no longer in Donington Park, but over the road in one of East Midlands Airport's car parks) we found ourselves in a massive pointless queue just to be allowed to cross the road. It wasn't even just for coaches - it was for taxis and shuttle buses too! So if your coach was leaving in ten minutes you had to queue behind 70 people who were getting a shuttle bus or taxi. Brilliant.

I honestly don't know what happened to Download this year from an organization point of view. Last year the arena was in the same location and we had no problems with getting back to the campsite, and we also had no issues getting the coach. If it ain't broke, don't fix it as the old adage goes.

But, as usual, the bands were (mostly) great and thats why we all go in the end. Here's to festivals at Donington for the next 30 years.

Download Festival 2010. Day Two - Saturday 12th June

The second day of music of the festival started earlier than the Friday as AC/DC's dominance was finally relinquished, although the huge AC/DC stage (which I am sure I read somewhere was going to be dismantled overnight) remained, which must have got in the way for some people, especially during the more popular bands on mainstage.

Most of the mainstage boasted lots of more current metal bands such as Five Finger Death Punch, Hellyeah and Deftones, but apart from the last band of the day, we spent our time in the Pepsi Max tent, which was a good move as the sun was blazing. Here's what we saw...

We thought we had arrived early for Reckless Love (***) but they came on stage just as we entered the tent. An entertaining enough set followed but the sense for me remains is that the band is Steel Panther but they are being serious. The set was coated in cheddar, but was an entertaining enough way to start the day. They played...

1. One More Time
2. Badass
3. Love Machine
4. Romance
5. Beautiful Bomb

A band we had no real plans to see were Genitorturers (**) and they pretty much freaked us all out. A generic industrial sort of sound buoyed by half naked female singer and masked bikini clad dancers. A lot of songs about bondage by the sounds too (Take It, Strip Doll and thankfully they neglected to play the charming sounding Cum Junkie...well I think they did) only the Rob Zombie-esque 'Devil In A Bottle' really stood out.

Suprise of the festival had to be Rock Sugar (*****) who, essentially, are a covers band but with a mash-up twist. Generally splicing together a rock song and a pop song from the 80s with tremendous effect they hit the stage to the chords of Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' but with the lyrics of Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. A mass singalong ensued, helped by the hilarious frontman Jess Harnell (who's impressions of Paul Stanley are superb). Hits from Ozzy, Queen, Motley Crue, Paula Abdul and Rick Springfield all followed. These guys came very close to stealing the festival. They played...

1. Don't Stop The Sandman (Metallica - Enter Sandman and Journey - Don't Stop Believin')
2. Crazy Girl (Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train and Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl)
3. Voices In The Jungle (Guns N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle and 'Til Tuesday - Voices Carry)
4. Straight To Rock City (KISS - Detroit Rock City and Paula Abdul - Straight Up)
5. We Will Kickstart Your Rhapsody (Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody/We Will Rock You and Motley Crue - Kickstart My Heart)

Sadly the same praise cannot be heaped upon E'Nuff Z'Nuff (*) who redefined the term 'phoning it in'. Playing half the time preceding band Halestorm played for, singer Donnie Vie looked bored witless most of the time, even checking his watch 2 or 3 times throughout their set. A song I had been waiting a long time to hear - the epic ballad 'Fly High Michelle' was sung with the same vigour as someone reading out of the phone book. Truly one of the poorest performances I have seen in my 7 years of attending the festival.

Luckily the same cannot be said for Y&T (***1/2) who, while not dropping any jaws, put in a solid 40 minutes of hard rock goodness, even acquiescing to the demand of a drunken biker fan who they met earlier in the day and played cheese rock classic 'Summertime Girls'. Went down a treat.

Sadly, due to stage clashes we were only able to see 3 or 4 songs from Skin (****) (That mark based on what we heard), but they seemed as tight as ever and drew a great crowd. We left for the mainstage to the strains of new song 'Stronger'.

So, for the second time in the week, it was time for Rage Against The Machine (*****). Hard to say what the better show was when I compare it to the show at Finsbury Park the Sunday before. The show at Finsbury had more of an 'event' feel about it, a true one-off thing. But the Donington had a bit of drama as the band kicked into 'People Of The Sun', as Zack De La Rocha was suddenly halted by security and informed that people were getting seriously hurt right near the front. After he instructed everyone to take a couple steps back, they restarted the song.

Another plus was the setlist at Donington was two songs longer and included 'Wake Up', a song I had kinda missed when they played in London.

Again, Rage were on fire and proved what an outstanding live band they were. Only fault was where I was stood the crowd weren't quite as hyper as they had been at Finsbury Park. Rage played...

1. Testify
2. Bombtrack
3. People Of The Sun
4. Know Your Enemy
5. Bulls On Parade
6. Township Rebellion
7. White Riot
8. Bullet In The Head
9. Calm Like A Bomb
10. Guerrilla Radio
11. Sleep Now In The Fire
12. Wake Up
13. Freedom
14. Killing In The Name

Again, leaving was horrific. The three tiny gate scenario came into play again as we were slowly herded through the park, places we had never been before in almost pitch darkness. By the time we got back to the campsite it was well past midnight, again rendering the after band entertainment useless. Crazily, this wasn't the last of the poor organizing...

Download Festival 2010. Day One - Friday 11th June

In a move that suprised many this year, Download Festival organizer Andy Copping managed to secure AC/DC to be the headliners for the first night of this years festival. Notorious for never doing festivals, the band seemed to be wanting to play by their own rules as the days music time got shorter, and eventually as the festival drew closer the compromising seemed to intensify, going so far that the announcement was made that AC/DC would be having their own stage which would be sat next to the mainstage where Them Crooked Vultures would now 'headline'.

So how did this all play out?

We arrived in the main arena in time for Anathema (****) who seemed to be totally at odds with the rest of the Ronnie James Dio stage that day (for a start they were a decent band) and did seem to make a good impression on the crowd who had formed to watch. An amazing performance of 'A Natural Disaster' seemed to definitely find the band some new fans.

After that we made a stop in at the Red Bull tent for Taylor Hawkins And The Coattail Riders (**) mainly for the off-chance that Dave Grohl may put in an appearance. That didn't happen but we did watch the whole set, and even though Foo Fighters drummer Hawkins makes a great frontman in his own right but the songs (with the exception of final track 'It's Over') just did not cut the mustard. They played...

1. Not Bad Luck
2. Louise
3. Get Up I Wanna Get Down
4. Sunshine
5. Way Down
6. It's Over

Swapping one tent for another we moved over to the Pepsi Max tent for a suprisingly brilliant set from AOR Gods Tyketto (****1/2) who rolled back the years with an amazing greatest hits set which also must have created some new fans in the crowd. In fact, it did. I was stood next to one of them. They were superb and the only reason it didn't get the full five stars is that it wasn't long enough! They played (I think, may be a song missing here)...

1. Lay Your Body Down
2. Wings
3. Strength In Numbers
4. Burning Down Inside
5. Seasons
6. Forever Young

Next we moved over to the mainstage that didn't house AC/DC and were met with a slew of people. We found a spot sort of in the middle of the two stages but as time went on we discovered we had to move in front of the empty stage to watch Them Crooked Vultures (**) - a band whose album I really dig, and as it was to see the legends that are Dave Grohl, Josh Homme and John Paul Jones live, and as well as they played the outdoor scenario and the endless noodling, unintelligible lyrics and jamming the band did rendered them very boring, and we grew increasingly restless during their set. Shame really. They played...

1. Elephants
2. Gunman
3. Scumbag Blues
4. Dead End Friends
5. No One Loves Me & Neither Do I
6. New Fang
7. Bandoliers
8. Spinning In Daffodils
9. Mind Eraser, No Chaser
10. Warsaw Or The First Breath You Take After You Give Up

Throughout the day it seemed that the AC/DC dominance over the festival was getting a bit silly. Apparently the band opted out of appearing on ANY festival merchandise which meant if you wanted a lineup shirt this year it wouldn't have AC/DC on it so you would have to buy another shirt. They also didn't appear on the programme or the lanyard stating band times.

What really left a bad taste in my mouth was this. Due to the sad loss of so many people in the music business this year, Andy Copping came out to introduce a short video package that would be followed by a few minutes of applause for Mike Alexander (Evile), The Rev (Avenged Sevenfold), Paul Gray (Slipknot), Peter Steele (Type O Negative), Stuart Cable (Stereophonics and Killing For Company), Ronnie James Dio and the man whose idea it was to run a rock festival at Donington Park back in 1980 - Maurice Jones.

But by this point the AC/DC's crew had started piping the blues music they have pre-gig over their P.A. system totally drowning out what should have been a respectful moment. I hope words were had.

From a music standpoint though AC/DC (*****) were brilliant, faultless. The rumored full run through of the Back In Black album never materialized and, in fact, they played almost the exact same setlist they played when I saw them at the 02 in the April of last year. But it's AC/DC and they are just brilliant! We got the giant bell for 'Hell's Bells', the inflatable woman for 'Whole Lotta Rosie' and the cannons for 'For Those About To Rock'...what more could you want (apart from what I've mentioned already...) They played...

1. Rock N' Roll Train
2. Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be
3. Back In Black
4. Big Jack
5. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
6. Shot Down In Flames
7. Thunderstruck
8. Black Ice
9. The Jack
10. Hells Bells
11. Shoot To Thrill
12. War Machine
13. High Voltage
14. You Shook Me All Night Long
15. T.N.T.
16. Whole Lotta Rosie
17. Let There Be Rock
18. Highway To Hell
19. For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)

Also worth mentioning was the poor organizing that pervaded the entire festival. I have never seen as many people as I have seen watching AC/DC (I have probably been to outdoor shows where there have been more, but it never looked like it) and the exits to get out were a joke. Hundreds of us had to clamber over 2 very tall barriers just to get forward and the gates to let people out were tiny holes in fences. It was a longer walk back to campsite than some of the bands played. This bad organization was to continue...

The Rage Factor - Finsbury Park, London. June 6th, 2010

After successfully upending last years X Factor effort to become Christmas number one with their 1992 song 'Killing In The Name' Rage Against The Machine promised a free outdoor show in London in the Summer to celebrate and yesterday's 'Rage Factor' event at Finsbury Park in London was the result.

The tickets were assigned by lottery. Well it was more refreshing the SeeTickets website for about 3 hours if I recall correctly, but I managed to secure a pair and Andrew and I traveled on down.

After the support bill was revealed to be less than stellar, we opted to go and get some food first and finally arrived as opening band Gallows were finishing up. Second act Roots Manuva was also largely missed what with shirt buying and that.

We found a nice spot however for 'gypsy punks' Gogol Bordello who were an absolute riot. Always good to see an accordion player in a band! They had the entire place jumping and dancing like idiots which can only be a good thing.

A short time passed after Gogol, and you could just feel the crowd heaving...a sign of things to come! Just after 9pm, after a hilarious animated Simon Cowell parody, Rage Against The Machine hit the stage and the entire park came unglued. I've been to a lot of gigs in the past but can't remember anything as crazy as that!

Before they came on I was very much in the mindset that I was just going to step back and be an observer, not wanting to get caught up in all the jumping around and pits and all that but the moment Rage hit the stage and launched into 'Testify' it was like a switch had been flipped - I just totally went for it, losing Andrew almost immediately! And carried on for the entirety of their 80 minute set.

I had been told by a friend beforehand that they were an amazing live act and they weren't wrong - the setlist for the night was superb starting with the opening tracks from their first 3 albums and carrying on into a 'best of' set and even included a cover of The Clash's 'White Riot'.

Halfway through the show frontman Zach De La Rocha introduced the couple that made it all possible - the campaign organizers Jon and Tracey Morter to a huge response and presented them with a cheque which was the combined total of the amount made from the downloads of the single and the separate amount donated to SHELTER by people when downloading. I couldn't see the amount on the cheque but I know the latter amount was £70,000 at Christmas time last year and the single shifted over 500,000 copies so you do the math!

Continuing after that (they also played my favorite Rage song 'Sleep Now In The Fire') it all started to build to the inevitable final song of the evening.

After a brief break, a video played mentioning all the quotes in the media about how unlikely it was that Rage would secure the number one, hilariously with Joe McElderry's (the kid who won X Factor if anyone has forgotten already) 'The Climb' - which, quite pathetically is a Miley Cyrus cover (!) , which swiftly was cut off by the final sales tallies and Rage launching into a victorious 'Killing In The Name' to end the night. And this caused even me to get involved in a circle pit...and I never do them!

The show was great, as was quite unexpectedly the atmosphere (for a free gig I thought the place would be teeming with douchebags and bandwagon jumpers who only knew 'Killing In The Name') but everyone seemed to be on the same page, having a laugh with and looking out for each other - in fact I saw a guy pass out and a complete stranger carry him out of the crowd!

It's a shame I cannot extend the same praise for the organization of the show. I've been to a few outdoor shows in London on a Sunday now and have never experienced such a shambles in trying to get home. After leaving the park itself thousands of people took to the roads walking to the tube station, and at one point a couple of people climbed on top of a moving bus as it drove off!

Getting to a tunnel just near the tube station hundreds of us were stopped by police on horseback for about quarter of an hour then let past where we were stopped again by more police at the other side and then we were eventually allowed to move towards the tube station where by some complete fluke we just got on the final tube night heading through Bourne where we needed to change.

I have never been on a tube so packed in my life. There was no room to move, people were being crushed and people were still trying to get on at the stops it made (this caused people on the train to start physically preventing people from getting on!) We finally got to Bourne and arrived at the next platform with a minute to spare for the next train (which was also the last of the evening) to take us to Stratford.

We got to Stratford at quarter past midnight, almost 2 hours after Rage had left the stage.

But looking past the terrible organization it was a great day and has raised a bit of a quandary for me. I was going to see Michael Monroe on the third stage at Download on Saturday...but Rage are headlining the main stage at the same time. I think I may have to see them again!

And if you get a chance this weekend or in the future - you must see them. As good as their albums are even they don't represent what a amazing live band they are ...and jumping around like a crazy person at a Rage gig is something for everyone's 'Bucket List'

Rage Against The Machine destroyed Finsbury Park with...

1. Testify
2. Bombtrack
3. People Of The Sun
4. Know Your Enemy
5. Bulls On Parade
6. Township Rebellion
7. Bullet In The Head
8. White Riot
9. Guerrilla Radio
10. Sleep Now In The Fire
11. Freedom
12. Killing In The Name

*photo above not mine, but from the BBC.

Gig Review: KISS at Wembley Arena. May 13th 2010.

When I first saw KISS 2 years ago at Download 2008 it seemed like a total one-off. A singular date, no plans to record any new material and a set relying on the seminal Alive album. It was a hell of a show but I was left with the feeling that was the one and only time I would see the 'Hottest Band In The World' in a live environment.

Fast forward 2 years and not only have KISS just completed the UK leg of their new European tour they are doing it on the back of a new (and acclaimed by both fans and critics) album in 'Sonic Boom'.

When KISS first announced the tour though myself and friend Andrew sort of just left it. We had heard the album and knew how brilliant it was and obviously we knew what an amazing live act KISS were but we just sort of left it. Until about 2 months ago when we realized how annoyed and miserable we would feel if we were sat at work or at home knowing KISS were playing live in our country!

So off we headed to the sold out Wembley Arena on the last night of the UK leg of the (deep breath) 'Sonic Boom Over Europe: From The Beginning To The Boom Tour'.

After getting there we were pleasantly suprised to find the merchandise stand outside the arena, which would save valuable time in getting a good spot at the front. After getting our shirts we waited just under 2 hours outside and were let in about quarter past six.

But before we could see KISS there was the small matter of the support band Taking Dawn. While this were OK, their music was quite average and generic and you could plainly see the only reason they got this slot was due to the influence of their record company the ever powerful Roadrunner Records. Not even the singer jumping off the stage into the crowd at the end of their set (which closed with a painful cover of Fleetwood Mac's 'The Chain') could keep the interest up.

A few minutes after they had vacated the stage the huge KISS curtain dropped and we had the agonizing wait for the band to hit the stage...then the lights went down and this happened...

Launching into the first track from 'Sonic Boom' Modern Day Delilah was a fantastic opener that sent the crowd into a frenzy with the entrance over Eric Singer's drumkit.

Proving it was from 'The Beginning' they continued with a song from the self titled first album - Cold Gin and followed that with other early gems Let Me Go, Rock N' Roll and Firehouse.

It was back to the Boom for the album closer Say Yeah which was then followed by another cut from the debut album with the brilliant Deuce.

Then it was suprise time. A song that the band aren't massive fans of (and this was proved by Gene Simmon's rather bored backing vocals) but it is KISS' biggest selling single in this country. Of course I mean Crazy, Crazy Nights. A song also that hasn't been played on any tour since the Hot In The Shade Tour of the late 80s or possibly the Revenge tour of the early 90s. It went down a storm.

After another 70's era highlight in Calling Dr. Love it was Tommy Thayer providing vocals for Shock Me which led into Tommy's guitar solo and Eric Singer's drum solo. Which included both of them being levitated on platforms and shooting rocket launchers. Brilliant.

The final new song of the evening was I'm An Animal and then it was Paul Stanley's brilliant vocal display in the "song we always play...because it's good!" 100,000 Years.

Instead of going up to the rafters for 'God Of Thunder' Gene Simmons now goes up to I Love It Loud after his blood spitting bass solo. Our position was such that we would have got cramp if we looked up at him for too long. It's a great song though from the often forgotten 'Creatures Of The Night' album.

The hits kept rolling with Love Gun, Black Diamond (which included a segment of Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin) and the main set closed with the ubiquitous Detroit Rock City.

After a brief break KISS returned promising "the longest encore you've ever seen". It wasn't but it was the most brilliant!

Kicking off with the title track from 1983's Lick It Up they carried on the one of rock musics ultimate party tracks Shout It Out Loud before Paul Stanley got on the zip line to the back of the arena for the always fantastic I Was Made For Lovin' You.

Another big suprise was the inclusion of God Gave Rock And Roll To You a song not heard on these shores since the early 90s! I remember this song when it first came out (Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey!) and it was just mind blowing to hear it live. I may have welled a bit.

What else could KISS finish with but Rock And Roll All Nite? And that they did, blasting the arena with confetti cannons...I swear I must have ingested a couple of pounds of the stuff.

It was a hell of a show, and surpassed the Download 2008 performance by a mile! Paul did promise they would return and I hope they do. He is 58 now (you wouldn't know it from the nights performance) so they can't leave it THAT long!

Although to be honest I never thought I'd see KISS once let alone twice, and the second time sop close so I can always live with that.

That setlist in full...

1. Modern Day Delilah
2. Cold Gin
3. Let Me Go, Rock N' Roll
4. Firehouse
5. Say Yeah
6. Deuce
7. Crazy, Crazy Nights
8. Calling Dr. Love
9. Shock Me (with Tommy and Eric solo's)
10. I'm An Animal
11. 100,000 Years
12. I Love It Loud (With Gene's solo)
13. Love Gun
14. Black Diamond
15. Detroit Rock City
16. Lick It Up
17. Shout It Out Loud
18. I Was Made For Lovin' You
19. God Gave Rock N' Roll To You
20. Rock And Roll All Nite

There's A Fever!

No, not that one.

Election Fever is upon us like never before. For the first time that I can remember the race is actually interesting for once and could be won by anyone! Which actually gave me interest in the whole matter. A foregone conclusion is not interesting and more importantly not what this country needs.

In one corner we have Gordon 'Gripper' Brown. A politician not afraid to beat the shit out of his staff and call his supporters such things as "bigots" "tossers" "cock-noses" and "cuntstains"*. A man who no one actually voted for at any point. At all. Ever. A man who truly defines the old saying "ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag".

In the second corner we have David Cameron. Who does look a bit more like a politician than Brown. I'm sure he has some other stuff going for him. Like his hair maybe. Seems indecisive, and I still physically shudder when I think of the last Conservative government we had. But it's got to be better than what we have now right? Right?

In the final corner (I'm imagining the three main ones in a triangle, alright?) is Nick Clegg. The subject of the current wave of Cleggmania. There are many things that sound good when you add 'mania' to the end of. Clegg is not one of them. Not wanting to put forward my opinions too much - as I strongly believe voting is YOUR decision to make - but I think he has my vote.

On the subject of being influenced, it actually scares me sometimes how much hold the media has on this thing. After last Thursday's debate (the second one) The Sun declared the winner (although it's not actually something you win, that would be the election itself) was David Cameron, who to put it kindly put forward a shoddy performance in my opinion.

But seeing as Rupert Murdoch is for Cameron that means The Sun is for Cameron. He could have got his dick out and bashed one out over the front row and The Sun would have still awarded it to him.

But the startling reality is that a lot of the general public are clueless about this sort of thing and go to media sources such as The Sun or The Daily Mail (get to them in a minute) and take whatever they say as the God's honest truth and will base their votes on that. That isn't someone voting - thats the media controlling someones vote. I honestly believe that people who aren't intelligent enough to make their own decision about this sort of thing should not be allowed to vote.

But yes, The Daily Mail. They always seem to go that extra mile in the ways of bad journalism. Check out this story from last week > http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/election/article-1267921/GENERAL-ELECTION-2010-Nick-Clegg-Nazi-slur-Britain.html

Yep The Mail actually say "his Nazi slur". Based on what? Saying this country was living in the past about the War? I'm not trivializing the Wars for one second but it ended in 1945. That's 65 years ago. Literally a generation. A generation of Germans who want fuck all to do with that part of their history, hell probably 2 generations now. And here we are. Every St.Georges Day, out come the old war songs. As we continue to cling to it. Kids continue to make Hitler 'taches with their fingers. Where do they get that from exactly?

Same shit applies for the 1966 World Cup. I know England isn't the most winningest country but to cling on to these like they didn't happen all that time ago is something truly sad.

A rant about Politics these days isn't anything without mentioning the BNP. You may not have agreed with all I have said in this, but I think we can all get together on the BNP being a bunch of bigoted pieces of shit. Check out this Party Election Broadcast that was shown the other night...

OK let us bullet point all this...

• The War! There was a war on! Yeah, it was 2 generations ago but cor blimey, love a duck, apples and pears, we'll meet again, rub a dub etc. Yeah I made that point. But it's a cheap way to go for votes. From a cheap individual
• Where did he get the medals from behind him?
• "We don't hate anyone" Er...yeah you do. Anyone who is even tanned by the sounds.
• What would Churchill think? I don't know but I'm pretty sure the immigration problem is not caused by a sudden influx of Germans.
• We may have not been fighting for political correctness in 1945, but thats no excuse not exercise some.
• All these 'everyday folk in the street' are actors. Painfully bad actors.

And a final point on that...they only abuse Nick Griffin because he "refuses to toe the political line"? Huh. It's probably more that he's a small minded ignorant cunt.

Till next time - don't forget to vote, you won't be able to bitch about ANYTHING till next time if you don't!

*He may have only said the first one.