Half Ton Stunned

For the last couple of weeks now I have been staying with my Mum in Thetford.

As I don't have TV at home in Norwich (over 1000 DVDs in the flat - is there any need?) I really don't see that much on it.

Since being here I have got slightly addicted to the documentaries of the grotesque and obscene.

The first of these was Half Ton Dad. I had already seen Half Ton Son with my friend Stacey last year and we wowed as he was towed out of his house, shat himself and how his arse turned chair shaped when he sat down.

Bu that was (dare I say it) small fries compared to Half Ton Dad. Who weighed it at 73 stone or 1032 pounds.

By far the best bit of the documentary was when they had to cut the large fatty deposits off that had grown on his thighs. These required cleaning beforehand, and the cleaners discovered wounds on these deposits. And shit had got into the wounds and dried. That's bound to be worse than salt.

I may start saying that: "There's no need to rub dried shit in the wound!"

But HTD did lose a lot of weight - in fact he lost 12 stone in 2 weeks! Bear in mind that's what I weigh. He lost a Thom.

But nothing could prepare me for this evening. I saw the title of the show - Embarrassing Bodies, but its a Sunday evening at 7pm on Channel 4 what would it be about? A big nose maybe, a bit of stomach podge, stubby fingers...

Well no.

First up was a woman with a massive vagina. Bit racy to say 'vagina' at 7pm on a weekend evening. Well all bets were off when they showed you a closeup of the wizards sleeve in question. The fact you could back in a petrol tanker, with 2 Ka's either side and have all 3 vehicles open their doors as wide as possible was almost trivial!

Isn't Songs Of Praise on the other side?? What if someone aiming for 1 hit the button below? Expecting the Antiques Roadshow and get a good old look at what could only be described as a clowns pocket!

Next up was a woman with one boob bigger than the other. She got them out almost instantly. I know the shows excuse is that its medical, its educational, who would find this sort of thing attractive...but some people like amputee porn. Just putting that out there.

So the woman with a slightly bigger (or smaller, I'd say the former I'm a cup half full kind of guy and that pun was meant with extreme prejudice) nork. Cue the graphic surgery as they stuff in the implant then cut off her nipple and move it up a bit!

Then came a gentleman who had to piss 20 or 30 times a day. He had a hand shoved up his arse and had his prostate massaged. Guys - if anyone ever offers to massage your prostate...fucking run.

I guess the shows writers felt there had been a lot of female nudity so there was literally a penis montage. One guys was so small he could neither have sex or masturbate. I don't know what happened to him, but I probably would have suggested suicide. Or switching sides.

We also had one of the shows presenters having a wank to see how is sperm was. I had pretty much tuned out in shock by this point.

I turned off before the end, but not before we saw the woman with the massive vagina again - I think they had just seen Madeline McCann in there, but she disappeared beneath a giant beef curtain.

I'm going to be staying in Thetford for another couple of weeks and I think in a sick way I'm going to miss these trashy documentaries (others included Tourettes and I Want Fake Boobs and Dirty Pervs online pay for them if I get my tits out in photos) when I go back to Norwich!

Till next time (and with the rate of these shows that will be very soon).

Dad

On Tuesday March 9th 2010 my father John sadly passed away.

I had been thinking of the ways possible to cover this on here as Dad was a reader of my blog (I remember his reaction when my brother showed him the one about prostitutes...he thought I was creative yet mental).

I was going to talk about him at length but the wonderful talk the Humanist minister did at his funeral far surpassed anything I could ever write. So I am simply going to publish a poem he wrote many years ago that we found the day after he died that has been such a help and comfort to me. I hope you like it.


When time has come for us to go
And leave our loved ones behind,
Let not their hearts be filled with woe
And life to them unkind.

For when we sleep this dreamless sleep
And venture on beyond,
In our hearts our love will keep,
Their troubles will be gone.

Then we meet our loved ones
Who left us in days gone by,
And joyous will be the meeting
With tears of joy in every eye.

To the dear ones whom we have left
With sorrow and heartbreak pain,
Do not weep for us, for we are but asleep,
To be born again.

By John Downie.

Quite simply I wouldn't have the sense of humour I have today if it wasn't for Dad, and will continue posting stupid, random things on here in his memory because I know wherever he is out there, he is shaking his head and laughing at me.

Thanks for reading.

Nailed!

Was at work today, doing my thing out the back, listening to the radio and that as I finished up the days work, almost clocking off time - wonderful.

Then someone comes up to me and sticks his thumb out which has half a nail hanging off and he says to me "Can you just pull that off for me before it catches on something?"

WHAT THE FUCK? NO!!!

I start to worry while I am umming and erring about it - what will he do? Slowly put his thumb in my mouth De Niro in Cape Fear style?

Luckily I think on my feet and ask why he can't do it. There isn't really a satisfactory response to that so I just come out with some absolute bollocks and say I can't do it because I'm squeamish about things like that (not because I don't want to touch your rank fucking nail you fucking psycho) and hightail it before my breakfast and dinner come back up to say hi.

I ask again - WHAT THE FUCK?

Thom's Tangents II

Yes already. Not as long this time, just heard a few bits today I wanted to comment/pass judgment on. Think of it like the old saying "you wait ages for a bus then two turn up at once". How anyone could be waiting for two buses at once is beyond me though. How the fuck would you know which one to get on?

A Norwich man was sentenced yesterday on charges of being drunk in charge of a vehicle. The court was told that the man took his three children to the cinema and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of vodka and leave the screen with his kids still in there. The children later refused to get into the car with him. You see this is exactly what happens when you go and see any of the Twilight films.

Australian band Men At Work have lost a plagiarism case against the Girl Guides over the song 'Land Down Under' which is said to be similar to a song written by a Guide in the 30s catchily entitled 'Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree'. They sound nothing alike. Sadly Men At Work have been forced to pull all forthcoming live shows as 'Land Down Under' is their only song.

Lot of controversy about John Terry. People worrying about negative effects on England's World Cup chances. I think the fact that England are shit should be the more pressing factor though as it goes to that.

Thom's Tangents I

Hey everyone, been a while since my last post on here - not much inspiring me to post at the moment. Do have a few things I want to talk about though so shall put all these thoughts together here and now. I may drift off-topic but that's why it's called 'Thom's Tangent'.

Wish I were doing this in a better mood, however. Was OK most of the day I get back to work to nothing I was expecting in the post, does disappoint slightly. The postal service in this country is dreadful. Something posted out Monday morning still not here by Thursday? Absolute joke.

But I digress (from that)...I see the latest thing on Facebook at the moment is 'Doppelganger week' where people change their profile picture to 'a celebrity they have been told they look like'. Most people on my Facebook have not let the fact they look like no-one famous at all stop them though. Most of the celebrities they have up I am clueless about. Never mind.

Talking of clueless about celebrities the guy (who isn't one) who won Celebrity Big Brother - Alex Reid is it? Anyway he has married Jordan. Can anyone remember a point Jordan was attractive? I know her career stems from getting her tits out for magazines (and not much else) but she just looks like a bloke now. An orange bloke. A bit like the Tango Man but on anabolic steroids.

I am desperately trying to avoid the Haiti charity single 'Everybody Hurts' cobbled together by Simon Cowell. Obviously the cause is worthwhile but the choice of song is pretty inappropriate. 'Everybody Hurts' not only is commonly associated with suicide not being killed/been injured/made homeless by a natural disaster but also lyrically a bit off...

"You have been affected by this disaster yeah. But everybody hurts sometimes. You're not special or anything."

Rumour that another possible song Simon Cowell was considering was the Eagles 'Get Over It' cannot be confirmed at this time.

As regular readers may know I work at Sainsbury's. Not something to brag about I know, and trust me when I tell you I am making a pro-active push to get out of there this year (CV written up, will be handed out soon...) but it does just burst with comedy gold sometimes.

The combination of stupid people (the customers) and...well...some more stupid people (Some of the staff) things just get a bit stupid.

Take last Sunday for example. Apparently either during the night Saturday or early Sunday a member of staff decided to take a dump in the urinals. A dump so brutal I hear that every cleaner in the place refused to remove it and had to call their area manager...on a Sunday (people do still go to church imagine having to make that excuse) to come in a clean it up. Good stuff. 

It did remind me though of a time I accidentally used a sink as a urinal. It sounds bad but hear me out. I was headed to a pub (note TO, not FROM) with a friend when I needed to go. So there's this park where I used to live which luckily had a public toilet.

So in I went and started to go in this big metallic thing right in front of me with a long drain like thing running across. Bit higher up than you find most urinals but I didn't think anything of it. I did start to think anything of it when I noticed an icon of two hands almost touching on the 'urinal' and three vertical lines above them (obviously indicating water). 

That was the point I realized I was urinating in a sink. I started to panic a bit, turned round and saw the camera. I somehow managed to stop the...flow and bolt out of the toilet. In hindsight I probably should have waited for the pub. They have toilets you can use.

Not saying the dump in the urinal at work was accidental. More than likely a prank. Doesn't make it any less stupid though!

I was about to wrap things up here but I just came across this story from Coventry. 

I liked the line "I was certain the proof of age laws do not apply to quiche".

"I've just finished a law degree at Oxford University and I am pretty sure proof of age laws don't apply to quiche. I know I missed a few lectures at the start of the course which may have dealt with the law and quiche but I was there for the flan module..."

Anyway I shall leave you with the only advice I can - if you are going out to buy a quiche, take some proof of age. Also don't quiche and drive.

Prostitutes

"HEY BABY SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?"

Sorry for the somewhat startling introduction to the blog but I am here today to talk to you about prostitutes. Hookers. Whores. Or if you are feeling quite generous (and don't do that too much around a prostitute - they will rob you) 'Ladies of the Night'. Which sounds like a Hawkwind song really.

The reason I write this is that it appears I live in quite a seedy area of Norwich. I think there is worse but it's pretty seedy. Getting a lift back to the flat yesterday evening and what do we drive past but a prostitute!

It was standing right outside Tiffins! Bold as brass. And young too, not Taxi Driver young but 18, 19. It was an earth shattering surreal moment. Tiffins Sandwich and Espresso bar, a quaint little place. Never actually been in there but its mere minutes from where I live. And right next to it? Hooker. 

What was her thinking of placing herself there? The one in a million bloke who decides he doesn't want a panini and a mocha he wants to fuck a strange, disease infested whore up the shitter instead? What kind of knee-jerk state of mind would that person have to be in?

Although there is a hotel opposite. Only a little place. Which would be quite annoying for the owners who want to close up for the night - "Is she just going to stand there?" "Oh, wait that cars slowing down...no it went past".

Maybe the people running the hotel are her pimps! An amazing cover story. They could make a TV show out of that. It would be Band Of Gold meets Fawlty Towers.

It's also right on a main road. That road leads to Great Yarmouth. FAMILIES GO THERE. CHILDREN. CHILDREN AND PROSTITUTES. IF YOU GO TO YARMOUTH YOUR CHILDREN WILL FUCK PROSTITUTES. Or maybe they won't, they may just nag you for an ice cream and a trip to Pleasurewood Hills. But rather that than nagging for a blow job and a trip to Pleasurewood Thrills. Oh yes, I said that.

What always amazed me about prostitutes is for what is basically homeless and/or skaghead women selling themselves for a quick buck is how the media have glamorized it - theres TV shows, films, songs...

Talking of songs you probably remember The Police's hit song 'Roxanne' right? If not please have a look here...

Well as you may have noticed that song is about a prostitute. Called Roxanne. Now when I was in school there was a girl in my class called Roxanne. And I have to believe that she was named after this fictitious whore. Thats like naming your little baby girl Belle de Jour.

But yes, the films. Taxi Driver nailed it well but Pretty Women was way out.

"Oh someday a Richard Gere type will come and sweep me off my feet and it'll be lovely and we'll be so happy!" 

A fine dream for a woman in a normal profession. It could easily happen.

But I think if you're a hooker you really need to revise your dreams. I think the best you can hope for is maybe...not being a hooker anymore? Then maybe the Gere thing? Maybe. Or if that's too pie in the sky maybe going a week without taking a Cleveland Steamer or Roman Shower? Keep it realistic.

Theres different types of prostitutes too. Theres the obvious gutter tripe ones, your generic prostitutes if you will but there's also the escorts. The ones who you can take to dinner with friends as a guest who won't blow you at the table or try to shoot up in front of the waiter. And has all teeth intact.

Although to be fair the escort girls you see on TV and movies are people trying to pay off student debts so they can get their dream job. You want to curse the government for putting them in that position (no pun intended).

But then take a look on Google for 'Escort girls' and click one of the links. It's OK I did. Your ISP will just think you're a pervert. Anyway I'll wait while you go look.

Right so you're back. Fucking disgusting aren't they? It's just hooker takeaway! Can't be arsed to drive out and get one, just ring this mobile number and we'll send one to you! Urgh. How rank.

So to conclude. Prostitutes are vile soulless creatures who probably have fangs downstairs like in that film Teeth.

So keep away guys and gals. You will get an STD.

Till next time :) 

Bedtime Stories

Watch this video. You may have already seen it on TV or in the cinema...



Now watch it again but with this thought in your head..."What if that's not her Dad?"

Real-Dad bound and gagged in the kitchen, the dog going the way of the one in the book...

"Is there a happy ending?" You'll never know.

Sweet dreams folks.