Prostitutes

"HEY BABY SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?"

Sorry for the somewhat startling introduction to the blog but I am here today to talk to you about prostitutes. Hookers. Whores. Or if you are feeling quite generous (and don't do that too much around a prostitute - they will rob you) 'Ladies of the Night'. Which sounds like a Hawkwind song really.

The reason I write this is that it appears I live in quite a seedy area of Norwich. I think there is worse but it's pretty seedy. Getting a lift back to the flat yesterday evening and what do we drive past but a prostitute!

It was standing right outside Tiffins! Bold as brass. And young too, not Taxi Driver young but 18, 19. It was an earth shattering surreal moment. Tiffins Sandwich and Espresso bar, a quaint little place. Never actually been in there but its mere minutes from where I live. And right next to it? Hooker. 

What was her thinking of placing herself there? The one in a million bloke who decides he doesn't want a panini and a mocha he wants to fuck a strange, disease infested whore up the shitter instead? What kind of knee-jerk state of mind would that person have to be in?

Although there is a hotel opposite. Only a little place. Which would be quite annoying for the owners who want to close up for the night - "Is she just going to stand there?" "Oh, wait that cars slowing down...no it went past".

Maybe the people running the hotel are her pimps! An amazing cover story. They could make a TV show out of that. It would be Band Of Gold meets Fawlty Towers.

It's also right on a main road. That road leads to Great Yarmouth. FAMILIES GO THERE. CHILDREN. CHILDREN AND PROSTITUTES. IF YOU GO TO YARMOUTH YOUR CHILDREN WILL FUCK PROSTITUTES. Or maybe they won't, they may just nag you for an ice cream and a trip to Pleasurewood Hills. But rather that than nagging for a blow job and a trip to Pleasurewood Thrills. Oh yes, I said that.

What always amazed me about prostitutes is for what is basically homeless and/or skaghead women selling themselves for a quick buck is how the media have glamorized it - theres TV shows, films, songs...

Talking of songs you probably remember The Police's hit song 'Roxanne' right? If not please have a look here...

Well as you may have noticed that song is about a prostitute. Called Roxanne. Now when I was in school there was a girl in my class called Roxanne. And I have to believe that she was named after this fictitious whore. Thats like naming your little baby girl Belle de Jour.

But yes, the films. Taxi Driver nailed it well but Pretty Women was way out.

"Oh someday a Richard Gere type will come and sweep me off my feet and it'll be lovely and we'll be so happy!" 

A fine dream for a woman in a normal profession. It could easily happen.

But I think if you're a hooker you really need to revise your dreams. I think the best you can hope for is maybe...not being a hooker anymore? Then maybe the Gere thing? Maybe. Or if that's too pie in the sky maybe going a week without taking a Cleveland Steamer or Roman Shower? Keep it realistic.

Theres different types of prostitutes too. Theres the obvious gutter tripe ones, your generic prostitutes if you will but there's also the escorts. The ones who you can take to dinner with friends as a guest who won't blow you at the table or try to shoot up in front of the waiter. And has all teeth intact.

Although to be fair the escort girls you see on TV and movies are people trying to pay off student debts so they can get their dream job. You want to curse the government for putting them in that position (no pun intended).

But then take a look on Google for 'Escort girls' and click one of the links. It's OK I did. Your ISP will just think you're a pervert. Anyway I'll wait while you go look.

Right so you're back. Fucking disgusting aren't they? It's just hooker takeaway! Can't be arsed to drive out and get one, just ring this mobile number and we'll send one to you! Urgh. How rank.

So to conclude. Prostitutes are vile soulless creatures who probably have fangs downstairs like in that film Teeth.

So keep away guys and gals. You will get an STD.

Till next time :)