Prostitutes

"HEY BABY SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?"

Sorry for the somewhat startling introduction to the blog but I am here today to talk to you about prostitutes. Hookers. Whores. Or if you are feeling quite generous (and don't do that too much around a prostitute - they will rob you) 'Ladies of the Night'. Which sounds like a Hawkwind song really.

The reason I write this is that it appears I live in quite a seedy area of Norwich. I think there is worse but it's pretty seedy. Getting a lift back to the flat yesterday evening and what do we drive past but a prostitute!

It was standing right outside Tiffins! Bold as brass. And young too, not Taxi Driver young but 18, 19. It was an earth shattering surreal moment. Tiffins Sandwich and Espresso bar, a quaint little place. Never actually been in there but its mere minutes from where I live. And right next to it? Hooker. 

What was her thinking of placing herself there? The one in a million bloke who decides he doesn't want a panini and a mocha he wants to fuck a strange, disease infested whore up the shitter instead? What kind of knee-jerk state of mind would that person have to be in?

Although there is a hotel opposite. Only a little place. Which would be quite annoying for the owners who want to close up for the night - "Is she just going to stand there?" "Oh, wait that cars slowing down...no it went past".

Maybe the people running the hotel are her pimps! An amazing cover story. They could make a TV show out of that. It would be Band Of Gold meets Fawlty Towers.

It's also right on a main road. That road leads to Great Yarmouth. FAMILIES GO THERE. CHILDREN. CHILDREN AND PROSTITUTES. IF YOU GO TO YARMOUTH YOUR CHILDREN WILL FUCK PROSTITUTES. Or maybe they won't, they may just nag you for an ice cream and a trip to Pleasurewood Hills. But rather that than nagging for a blow job and a trip to Pleasurewood Thrills. Oh yes, I said that.

What always amazed me about prostitutes is for what is basically homeless and/or skaghead women selling themselves for a quick buck is how the media have glamorized it - theres TV shows, films, songs...

Talking of songs you probably remember The Police's hit song 'Roxanne' right? If not please have a look here...

Well as you may have noticed that song is about a prostitute. Called Roxanne. Now when I was in school there was a girl in my class called Roxanne. And I have to believe that she was named after this fictitious whore. Thats like naming your little baby girl Belle de Jour.

But yes, the films. Taxi Driver nailed it well but Pretty Women was way out.

"Oh someday a Richard Gere type will come and sweep me off my feet and it'll be lovely and we'll be so happy!" 

A fine dream for a woman in a normal profession. It could easily happen.

But I think if you're a hooker you really need to revise your dreams. I think the best you can hope for is maybe...not being a hooker anymore? Then maybe the Gere thing? Maybe. Or if that's too pie in the sky maybe going a week without taking a Cleveland Steamer or Roman Shower? Keep it realistic.

Theres different types of prostitutes too. Theres the obvious gutter tripe ones, your generic prostitutes if you will but there's also the escorts. The ones who you can take to dinner with friends as a guest who won't blow you at the table or try to shoot up in front of the waiter. And has all teeth intact.

Although to be fair the escort girls you see on TV and movies are people trying to pay off student debts so they can get their dream job. You want to curse the government for putting them in that position (no pun intended).

But then take a look on Google for 'Escort girls' and click one of the links. It's OK I did. Your ISP will just think you're a pervert. Anyway I'll wait while you go look.

Right so you're back. Fucking disgusting aren't they? It's just hooker takeaway! Can't be arsed to drive out and get one, just ring this mobile number and we'll send one to you! Urgh. How rank.

So to conclude. Prostitutes are vile soulless creatures who probably have fangs downstairs like in that film Teeth.

So keep away guys and gals. You will get an STD.

Till next time :) 

Bedtime Stories

Watch this video. You may have already seen it on TV or in the cinema...



Now watch it again but with this thought in your head..."What if that's not her Dad?"

Real-Dad bound and gagged in the kitchen, the dog going the way of the one in the book...

"Is there a happy ending?" You'll never know.

Sweet dreams folks.

Bond

Ended up watching a bit of On Her Majesty's Secret Service the other evening, the Bond film with George Lazenby. You know, the Bond that no one remembers? He wore a kilt during half the movie? The film ended with a climactic bobsled chase? He gets married and his wife gets shot at the end? Well that one.

At one point in the film the aforementioned Bond girl - can't quite remember her name so in the spirit of all things Bond lets call her Titty McMingeington - helps Bond out of a jam. How does he say thanks? A heartfelt thank you maybe? Nah.

He just says "Good girl". Much like you would a dog that has a shit outside instead of on the new rug. Maybe he could give her a biscuit later.

Later on in the film rubbish-Bond Lazenby is inside a villa on a mountain which is set to explode. Titty McMingeington is dragged out by her father to a rescue helicopter. She wants to go back in to help Bond (and tbh George Lazenby doesn't really do much in the film so maybe he needs the help) but instead of calming her down, reasoning with her...Titty's Dad just punches her out.

I wish I could find a video of this but you will just to have to take my word for it. HOWEVER I have found a nice selection of videos we can watch of similar Bond related misogyny but with real Bonds Connery and Moore...

There's quite a bit to cover for 20 seconds...

1. Dink. That's not her name is it? Bond obviously does not give a shit what her name is so has just assigned this ridiculous moniker of Dink. Probably named other poor women names like 'Bit', 'Thing', 'Shit', 'Bitch' hell even 'Cunt' probably.

2. When Bond tells Dink to say goodbye to Felix and she questions it there's just this subtle anger in his eyes. A subtle, telling anger. Like "For fucks sake" But even then as he turns her around to leave his eyes fixed solidly on her tits. Theres no point looking in their eyes eh James? They just wouldn't get it. Which leads nicely to...

3. Man Talk. "Whatever espionage and crime we need to discuss is WAAAY to advanced for your tiny woman brain. Your brain would explode and your period would arrive simultaneously. Fuck off Dink."

4. The Final Indignity. A firm smack on the arse. Whats the betting that scene is followed by Bond apologizing for Dink's very existence?



This time all the woman says is "You sound like a cop to me...". "Too much time", thought Bond, "This is not getting me the information I need I have deduced this after 6 seconds. Only one thing for it old boy". THWACK.



Roger Moore's go now. Its bad enough trying to become a Doctor in the seventies when you are female (I would imagine), and this is probably compounded by having a name with as many sexual connotations as 'Dr. Goodhead' but does she really need someone going "Oh...you're a woman" whilst trying not to crack up laughing at the same time?

The final video is a nice little 'best of' compilation someone put together...have a watch.



29 seconds in he punches a widow! He was lying about the condolences! Is that what Bond does between films? Goes around the world looking for deaths caused by women not doing what their spouses say? I bet that's what that was. "He said he was allergic to peanuts!"

0.36 is just prolonged and uncomfortable. And made worse by being in a stable.

0.39 Bond is annoyed by being distracted whilst talking to on the phone. Pie face. Sorted.

0.45 is Bond drowning some women....yep.

1.04 "OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN, QUICK USE THE NEAREST WOMAN AS A SHIELD". Its an extreme version of that Family Guy joke when Peter puts a woman over a puddle so someone can walk across it.

1.10 Bond rips of a girls bikini top, chokes her with it and makes a pun too. Why is this man so popular?

And at the end another instance of human shield. She didn't get killed this time and it looks like Bond may have to fight the bloke. Or maybe he will just beat the guy over the head with the woman?

In conclusion whilst finding this old attitude amusing, I am glad we have given it a rest. Well most of the world has. But the James Bond in me hopes you silly, silly, silly women understood the long words I wrote. Think its about time to get back to the kitchen yeah?

Till next time.

Avatar

I'm not going to be doing movie reviews on here all the time as I watch a heap of films, total geek for it and there's not enough time in my life for going into detail about everything I watch. It's hard enough to get the effort together to watch them sometimes! Out of the 570 odd DVDs I own there's a good 50 I have yet to watch, some I saw at the cinema, some I have yet to see!

But I thought I would make an exception for Avatar. As Ron Burgundy might say..."It's a pretty big deal".

Set in 2154 on a distant planet called Pandora the film is about a mining corporation who want to mine Pandora for a substance called 'unobtainium' which to them is worth a pretty penny. Unfortunately the main source of unobtainium is underneath this massive tree which is home both spiritually and literally to the inhabitants of Pandora - the Na'vi. Who are blue but not like the Smurfs. Have a look above at them.

Anyhow to get in with the natives the scientists (one of whom is played by James Cameron alumni Sigourney Weaver) create a kind of Human/Na'vi hybrid, called Avatars. One of the avatars is filled by Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic ex- Marine. Wasn't originally intended for him though this avatar. It was for his twin brother but he got himself murdered before they were due to leave. Careless.

So after a routine trip to the planets dense forest leaves Jake stranded he is taken in (eventually...they are right hostile at first) by the inhabitants and is trained in the way of the Na'vi and he slowly starts to fall in love with the planet and one Na'vi in particular Neytiri (Zoe Saldana).

But the mining company still wants the unobtainium and will go to any lengths to get it...

So that's the general gist of the film but the key question (and why I am writing this blog) is "Is it any good?"

Visually speaking it is one of the most amazing looking films I have ever seen. No - scratch that - it is the most amazing looking film I have ever seen. It was actually filmed in 3D using 3D cameras and so forth so naturally the only way to see this thing is in...you guessed it...3D or even better in IMAX 3D. Even though cinemas are showing it as an option, there is literally no point watching it in 2D. Would be like watching another cinema release on a bootleg.

During one scene where Neytiri and Sully are high up in the trees I actually felt a bit of vertigo as you looked down and could see every detail -it was that good.

The action sequences are also superb, the end battle was just jaw dropping. James Cameron doesn't make a major film in 12 years and he comes back and makes every single action director - Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich, the lot of them - look like children. Or a guy who is having his first bash on his Super8 camera.

But like most things there are some negatives. Mainly the plot. For a movie that took so long to make the plot -'Man goes to planet to work for company, loves planet, falls in love, there's a big ruck at the end' is really, really flimsy.

Also whilst I enjoyed Stephen Lang's performance as Colonel Miles Quadritch his 'hard bastard marine' character did seem more suited to an 80s action movie. At times I was half expecting him to get cut, wipe the blood from the offending area and say "I ain't got time to bleed".

And whilst I found most of the dialogue OK, the rallying speech before the final battle sounded as if Sully was going to segue into "They can take our lives but they can never take our freedom!" or worse "Today...we celebrate...our Independence Day!" But its a massive film and I guess you need a massive speech.

Not so much of a negative I guess were all the similarities to Aliens. There were some obvious references like Sigourney Weaver getting out of the pod at the start and of course the walkers, but it all just seemed a bit familiar to me. Evil company wants something...in space.

Hell, you could easily swap Giovanni Ribisi's character from Avatar and Paul Reiser's from Aliens and no one could tell the difference.

And leaving the biggest negative till the end...why did they feel the need to put that Leona Lewis song on at the end? I couldn't get out of the cinema quick enough!

I would probably go with what a lot of people saying as it goes to rating it...

*** plot

***** experience

Looking forward now I can't help but wonder what will become of it on DVD and Blu Ray? I know it won't look as good as the big screen sure, but how good will the 3D be? Time will have to tell I guess.

Till next time.

Speedwagon

Whilst at work today, the television was on in the background in the staff canteen. I was, as usual, engrossed in book until I heard a familiar song.

Looking up I could see the darts was on. Men throwing darts at the board, aiming for the middle. Big men. Fat men. Tough men.

This is the song that was playing...



And this is darts...



All that shouting and beer and comparing people playing darts to cheesemakers...

That video alone is worth a blog with its bizarre passage of time imagery but back on topic - what kind of song is that to accompany a 'previously on darts' montage? It was the full song too.

Anyone up for 'I Won't Hold You Back' by Toto for the theme song for the next UFC pay per view?

Till next time.

Effort

I feel yesterdays post about animal sex was really lacking something. It seemed like a funny thing to write about but I was missing the spark of inspiration that I got when I wrote the blog about Facebook groups. In that instance I couldn't type the shit out fast enough. 

But yesterday it started well and just fell a bit flat, don't know if I rushed it or was just bereft of ideas but it took three attempts to reach a conclusion I liked. Then I got all these other ideas afterwards. Like when you want to say something to someone and you have nothing, then ten minutes later you think of something genius but the time has passed.

It's not that I didn't find elements of the blog amusing. The 'naybe' bit and the phrase "shafted by a unicorn" both made me smirk but it was missing something. Just because I see something that would be good to write about doesn't mean I have to, need some ideas first. Even if we are talking about a bloke being ridden by Seabiscuit.

So in future I shall have a little evaluate before I start typing, because if I start I will feel like I MUST finish and that won't work in the end.

I promise my next blog will be frikkin' hilarious, unless circumstances require a serious one.

Till then.

Buggery

 

Who wants to hear about animal sex? No? Well I would probably close the window down because thats tonights sermon.

This from the BBC News site...

"An arrest warrant has been issued for a Leicester man accused of having sex with a horse and a donkey, after he failed to turn up to court.

Joseph Squires, 66, of Overpark Avenue, is charged with buggery of a donkey between February and April 1999 and buggery with a horse in March 2004.

He is also accused of criminal damage to the animals during the same dates.

He was due to appear at Leicester Crown Court earlier for a plea and case management hearing.

Mr Squires did not attend court and it was heard he had lost touch with his solicitors.

Judge Michael Pert QC issued a bench warrant for his arrest."

I would like to think this is the first time the BBC have ever used the term buggery.

I wonder what this guy is up to? Now obviously, before he was having sex with donkeys and horses. Seemingly progressing through the equines. Kicking off by - and this is going by what the BBC say and they would never lie - having a 2 month romp with a donkey. February and April 1999. Some guys can't last a half hour, this guy was fucking a donkey for 2 months? If it wasn't animal cruelty half of me would want to pat the guy on the back.

Or at the very least direct his attention towards a human maybe. (I actually typo'd just then and typed naybe and was half tempted to keep it in for the horse related pun)

But then in 2004, 5 years on he tried his luck with a bigger mammal. The majestic horse. The animal that still carries Police in certain parts of the country. A beautiful creature. Not beautiful like that though. But alas their time together was fleeting. March. Could have been 30 days, could have been 2. But with your horse you are getting into a whole bigger sort of problem. You've seen those videos on the internet, the guys probably dead by this point.

If he has truly been boned into the afterlife by Black Beauty I hope he can find peace in Heaven. Getting shafted by a unicorn perhaps. Either end.

Scaremongers

I only popped on here to check my emails but couldn't help but stick my head in and have a talk about the insipid Facebook groups that seems to want to scare people into thinking something is going to happen...but quite clearly is not.

It's not even potentially scary things either such as 'The Nazi's Are Returning, Lets Stop Them' or 'Sisqo Is Getting Media Attention Again, Lets Nip This In The Bud' (That happened? Oh Shit...)

No its things like 'SAVE TOP GEAR'.  Now I know the show in its current format has been going for a while now, and I find it highly entertaining but I guess it could be seen as samey in some eyes and its not impossible to think that the viewing figures are going down. Not drastically but everything has it's peaks and valleys right?

Anyway this group was created based on the following...

"It's the news Top Gear fans have been dreading - the show's boss has hinted that the show is coming to an end as ratings continue to slump.

Andy Wilman, executive producer of the BBC Two programme, also said that he fears the series is turning into a cartoon because the presenters were playing up their on-screen characters too much."

Erm...source? That's it. The entire group based on a random rumour which seems to have no weight to it. Not to mention Top Gear has been running for decades in various incarnations and if the time came when a shakeup was needed...they would just reinvent it again. 

This group has over 443,000 gullible members! Do they not realize that all the information they have is 2 very short paragraphs. But then if you read some of the comments on there that fact doesn't seem to matter.

Adam R. says "If they stop producing TOP GEAR then we should all stop paying for are TV licence, If 500,000 people didn’t pay then the BBC would lose about £ 71000000 this is taking into account that these 500,000 people have coloured TV’s."

Well that's one way of looking at it Adam. Or maybe you could start your own Top Gear and drive cars made of marshmallows over rainbows.

Connor B. throws a bit of political insight into his...well...pointless rant. He doesn't appear to have read even the 2 paragraphs..."some say the head of the BBC is a complete and utter TWAT, Some even say a bigger twat than Gordan Brown himself, all i know is we should not get rid of Top Gear!!"

I will finish the Top Gear group talk with probably one of the most concise and witty arguments I have seen on the page from Ben H..."top gear is the best fucking thing in the world it needs to stay cause well life would be boring nd shit like tht y dont they cancell a diffrent show like the andrew marr show who in the right mind would want to cancell topgear im mean good u on drugs r wat"

Starts with threatening suicide, randomly taking a shot at Andrew Marr and answers on a postcard about the last part, beautiful stuff though.

The most common scaremongering group that can be found on Facebook is the 'SAVE FACEBOOK/KEEP FACEBOOK FREE' group. For years these people are constantly under the impression that Facebook is suddenly going to start charging for use. The only time I have ever seen mention of this is when I have seen interviews with the creators of the site denying it.

I had a search for 'Keep Facebook Free' - this is what I found.

My first result was simply called 'KEEP FACEBOOK FREE' but reading on draws a totally different picture. The rallying war cry of this group is...

"We HATE the new facebook and want the old one back, why the fuck change something that everybody knows how to use ? to something that is all over the fucking place and is shite to use,,,, GIVE US OUR OLD FACEBOOK BACK"

Not really a case of being free is it though? Kinda wasted my time there, so will have another look. The groups creator may wish to change the name there though.

Danilo Mastrantoni has opted to keep his name out of things, keep a low profile and that with his group - which is the most popular 'Petition to keep facebook free by Danilo Mastrantoni'.

The main information section on the group is an email from Facebook denying that they will charge and all information they have heard on the matter is false. So even Danilo has thrown in the towel and made it visible everywhere on the group that Facebook WILL NOT CHARGE for usage.

Sadly the 92,000 + members don't think this is good enough.

Jill J. has a very valid view in this current economic crisis "we pay for enough things Facebook should b free". Well it is Jill, read the words just to the left love. Says right there.

Marcel B. has adopted a very laid back, almost Buddha like stance to the concept of Facebook charging... "I will not pay for facebook. I enjoy it a lot but it has not yet become a necessity in my life. I pay enough for everything already. There was life before there will be life after."

I like how he says it has not become a necessity YET. Not closing the door on the possibility Facebook may one day be responsible for how we breathe. Although he seems certain that Facebook has no involvement in childbirth.

Finally Vin F. singlehandedly rips apart everyone who likes using Facebook more than the average "Why would someone stay with Facebook if they had to pay for it. This is just a silly past time and in no way is it worth paying for." 

Vin could just take it or leave it. He'll be sorry when we need it to breathe.

There are many other groups I may mention in the future, they pop all the time - in fact just now I saw a group suggesting we should bring Concorde back for the 2012 Olympics for a flyover. Yeah. Because the last Concorde flight I heard about went so well. And I honestly don't think it would be very exciting. Hardly the Red Arrows - this massive lumbering jet hulking across the sky. No one would even see the fucking thing for one, its hardly going to fly low enough for a flyover in Central London is it?

I digress anyway, I only came on here to check my emails.

Till next time playa's.

Freeloaders

Might as well get this thing off and running with slating some people. 

Since September now I have adopted a positive attitude in life and its been really beneficial in life. Times with friends have been better, work has been more bearable, its just really turned things around for me.

However. There are tests. Like New Years Eve...

I had some friends coming up to the flat that myself and my mate Wayne share. Usual plan of drinks at the flat then going out. Some friends coming up, a couple, were bringing some friends that we didn't know. Fine. More the merrier and that.

So they show up and all is well at the flat. Some people want to go to a bar before the club and that includes this couple and their friends so off they toddle. We shall see them in the club. We normally stand in the same spot.

So we have been in the club for a while and no sign of the couple and the 2 people they brought along. The others who went to a bar first have located us and a good time is being had by all.

The midnight hour is approaching, the end of the year and if you're not too anal about that sort of thing - the end of the decade. An event you want to remember. The countdown starts. The couple (who shall remain nameless throughout this) show up sans their friends for it and dissapear again before it's even done.

At this point I'm thinking it is extracting the urine a little bit that they are not hanging out with us considering they are crashing at our flat. Little rude.

If you thought that was rude. Hold on to your hats. This is where it gets a bit "WTF". The following did all actually happen.

It's been New Years for about 40 minutes now, everyone is continuing to have fun and dance like idiots. Then Wayne gets a text. From half of the couple asking if we have a spare set of keys so they can just go back to the flat. Wayne shows me this, I think he's asking me for my keys, maybe he's feeling unwell. Takes a minute or two for the penny to drop. The whole idea is met with a resounding no. We continue to have fun. And we do till 2am when the night ends. Then we go get Chinese food.

Apparently instead of staying in the warm and comfortable surroundings of the two seating areas they get the keys to another friends car (who, for the record, was with them but hung out with us all night, obviously detecting that their behavior was way out of line) and the 4 of them go and sit in the car till we return. Really. Not making that up.

We get back about 2.50, and I take the cushions from the living room armchairs to use as I was on the floor that night. That bit sounds petty, but was what I was going to do all along. I don't really speak to them, and don't bother getting up the next morning till they have gone.

Was just going to keep all that under my hat, but I see on the all controlling Facebook this morning that the female half of the couple has deleted me. Deleted me. Obviously I am to blame. How dare I take exception to our flat being used as a fucking youth hostel for scene kids.

I try not and let this negativity enter me anymore but it's hard when stuff like that happens. Best thing you can do is just cut those sort of people out of your life and move on. But no way in Hell I was going to move on without having a bit of a release. 

Ah well. Felt good that.

Till next time sports fans.

Bandwagon

Its been a long long time since I've written a blog, the well totally dried up. Lot has happened since the last time I wrote 18 months (!) ago. 

I moved out of Thetford at last - just up the road to Norwich (A Fine City) but it has literally changed my life. No longer am I losing my patience with people and generally living life with my head up my arse. Just positivity ruling all. Living by the simple rule "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".

But yeah I am back due to a couple of other friends pimping out their blog to the max, I'm going to spruce mine up a bit, delete the ones where I sound like an arsehole from times past and just blog my life and stuff.

Until I get bored of it again :-p